I've drinked ("I've drunk" never sounds right).  I've smoked.  I came out ok.  Or are I?  Why do these activities produce such unimaginable stupidity in some people?

There's this article that shows a pregnant woman smoking a cigarette.  The caption says, "Mellisa Williamson, 35. a Bullitt Avenue resident, worries about the effect on her unborn child from the sound of jackhammers."  Just to clear up any confusion:  this is called irony.  The pregnant woman is worrying about the effect of jackhammers on her unborn child while ignoring the health concerns of smoking while pregnant.  Just in case that wasn't obvious. 

I was at a barbecue one time where a girl was lighting up a cigarette with a match.  Another girl who was also a smoker saw her lighting up and said, "It's not good to inhale while you're lighting a cigarette with a match.  It's not as bad when you're using a butane lighter."  When I heard this, I almost blew up from the anger inside of me.  To think that there are people in the world that are dumb enough to not only believe these things, but to say them out loud.  It makes me sick.  Clearing up any confusion:  when lighting a cigarette (or "cancer stick" for the older generations), the last thing one should be worrying about is inhaling fumes from burning matches. 

I like (read:  want to punch) people who say things along the lines of, "Lite beer can't get you drunk because it has less alcohol."  Just to let those people know:  lite beer has less calories and carbohydrates, but has the same amount of alcohol as regular beer.  Now get your head outta your butt and into the game. 

I was in a bar one time with Wendy and some of her friends.  One of them was pregnant.  She said, "I stopped smoking so I don't hurt the baby."  Note:  this was said while in a bar.  In New Jersey.  Around smokers.  This girl also chose to stop getting drunk and just stuck to red wine.  Good choice!  It's good that some peoples' habits will eliminate them from the gene pool. #health

I was watching Seinfeld last night (new episode ... just kidding).  The one where they're stranded at the party and Elaine mentions the dingo. 

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Woman:  I wonder what happened to my fiance.  I know he's here somewhere.  Ellen?  Have you seen my fiance?

Ellen:  He's upstairs.

Woman:  Are you going upstairs?  Tell my fiance I'm looking for him.  I have lost my fiance, the poor baby.

Elaine:  Maybe the dingo ate your baby.
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Right before Elaine said the thing about the dingo, there was a look on her face that pretty much sums up my entire life:  utter contempt and disgust.  She was talking to a very pretentious woman that was overly concerned about her newly-found fiance and was utterly pleased to be using a French word.  Elaine furrowed her brow and opened her mouth with a sneer.  She paused as she tried to think of a short comment that would sum up all the feelings that were raging inside her head.  She leaned forward and said, "Maybe the dingo at your baby."  What?  "The dingo ate your baby!"  The woman didn't understand.  But Elaine was victorious, and her expression showed it. #entertainment

I'm a big fan of eating.  I always have a ton of food at my desk at work.  And I keep adding to the collection.  I'm that guy you work with that's always crinkling wrappers and shoving food in my face, as you think, "How can he possibly be eating again, that filthy pig-dog!"  What can I say?  I was blessed with good metabolism. 

Every few weeks I go to ShopRite and buy a bunch of food and bring it to work.  I have some Pop Tarts, granola bars, pretzels, etc.  But I'm branching out into new things.  Today, I brought in some olive oil and vinegar.  I can't stand putting that stuff on my sandwich in the morning, and then eating a soggy sandwich for lunch.  I'd eventually like to have a full-fledged kitchen at my desk.  My co-worker has a microwave.  I'm thinking about a toaster-oven so I can have Quizno's-style sandwiches.  Maybe I should get a mini-fridge so I can keep all the ingredients here.  I could save those valuable 3 minutes it takes me to make a sandwich in the morning. 

There was this one time that ants somehow found my Pop Tarts.  I was "tee owed" as they say.  What I don't understand is how a million little ants found their way into the closet inside the lab in the middle of the building I work in.  How does that work?  Is there a way we can harness that technology to find the things we lose?  That'd be awesome.  Stupid ants. #food

Sometime a few months ago, my life came to a crashing halt when Fox 5 announced the re-introduction of A Current Affair on weekdays at 6:30pm, taking over the time slot the Simpsons once owned.  I was devastated.  Part of me died.  Ya see, when I was in college, I tried my hardest to watch the Simpsons at least 3 times a day:  at 6:30, 7, and 11.  It was beautiful.  After I graduated, I knew the 11pm thing wouldn't work.  That was a sacrifice I was willing to make.  But the 6:30 and 7 were still rolling strong.  But when A Current Affair came along in March of 2005, it took up the Simpsons' 6:30 time slot.  This was a major problem for me because I do several things at night during the week.  Most of these things start at around 7:30.  This means I can't watch the Simpsons at 7 because I'll be late for my things.  Tragic. 

But good news was just around the corner.  While watching the Simpsons last night, Fox 5 announced that the Simpsons would be returning to their 6:30 time slot in addition to the one at 7.  Now, like before, my life is complete. #entertainment

Kottke wrote about this Time article that mentions how JetBlue and Southwest Airlines have really improved travel in recent years by offering low fares.  That brought up my feelings on the topic:  I applaud companies like this who offer cheaper fares for the same dumb service.  I don't care if the big old companies like Delta and American Airlines go out of business.  It's their own fault.  That's what happens when you can't adapt to new and changing environments.  I feel the same way about GM and Chrysler or whoever in the car industry is filing for bankruptcy protection.  I can't wait for the newest, cheapest line of cars to come out from some no-name brand that spends all their money on engineering and no money on advertising.  I'll be the first one in line to buy their product.  I'll applaud them for putting a bunch of big, clumsy companies out of business by offering the same stupid product at a better price.  Capitalism.  Jerks. #business

Sometime I (and we) refer to people as "the bald guy".  I feel bad about doing this, but sometimes it's completely appropriate.  Some people are just bald; there's no question about it.  But unfortunately, the term is often used negatively.  This doesn't quite make sense to me.  If a guy is bald, he's bald.  The sky is blue and the grass is green.  These are all descriptive adjectives.  You can't refute them.  But I guess I can understand if the person isn't completely bald.  Maybe they're thinning.  That gets a little tricky.  A little hairy, if you will (zing!).

But I feel I'm justified in calling somebody bald, seeing that sometime in the next ten years, I will undoubtedly go bald.  I think I'm already thinning.  Wendy says she doesn't see it, but I think she's lying.  I only really notice it when my hair is short.  That's why it's a little long right now.  But it'll probably be short again sometime soon when I get tired of having too much of it. 

When baldness actually sets in, I plan to fully embrace it.  Why not?  What should I do, cover it up?  Take drugs to make my hair grow back?  No way!  I'll completely shave my head or at least make my hair really short, so it doesn't look like I'm trying to hide anything.  People with comb overs or long hair are wasting their time.  Baldness, I say to you:  I'm ready. #lifestyle

I'd like to take a minute to discuss the nature of evil.  This post is based largely on this link.  A lot of people think of evil as something that has horns and carries a pitchfork.  I think this is wrong.  Maybe it'll take that form someday, but I think it takes a different form in everyday life:  something beautiful or normal, but with a little twist.  In the Passion of the Christ, evil is represented by several things.  There's that woman-looking person with no eyebrows.  She represents evil because she's simple, somewhat beautiful, and symmetric.  But up close, you realize she has no eyebrows and doesn't blink.  It's taking a good thing and twisting it.  Then there's that hairy baby-like thing.  From far away, it's a beautiful picture:  a woman holding a baby.  But up close, you notice that the baby is gross and hairy and isn't really a baby.  Something beautiful, twisted. 

I can think of a bunch of examples in real life, but I'll offend people if I post them.  So I'll try to word them in an inoffensive way.  Marriage is a beautiful thing.  But joining two like things (physically) or two unlike things (spiritually) is taking something good and twisting it.  Sex is a good thing.  But taking it out of it's proper environment is taking a good thing and twisting it.  Anger can be a good thing.  But if it's acted out the wrong way, it's not good.  These things seem small.  Some say, "At least it's not murder."  True, but small things multiply, and they desensitize us.  We'll allow small things today, but big things tomorrow. #religion

Lessons learned from being married, or maybe just from being domesticated:  Folding fitted bed sheets is absolutely impossible, and anyone who can successfully do so is a super-mega genius.  As I tried to do this last night, I quickly gave up, seeing that I'm not really into folding things in the first place.  Plus, this is the thing that goes directly on your mattress, later to be covered by any of several other sheets and blankets.  In other words, no one ever sees this thing; henceforth it's useless to spend time trying to fold it. 

Google to the rescue!  I found a solution to all my problems at Google Answers, Target, HGTV, and Better Homes and Gardens.  Isn't the internet a wonderful thing?  This one quote from Target fulfilled my dreams and made me nauseous at the same time:  "Making the bed is so much more pleasurable when your sheets have been folded properly -- and not only do they take up a lot less space, they look great in your linen cupboard too! Follow our easy step-by-step guide on how to fold a fitted sheet, so it looks just like it came out of the packet."  Isn't it everyone's dream to have your fitted sheets look like they came right out of the packet?  Heck yeah. #psychology

It's weird how value is assigned to certain objects and it's based solely on how much someone is willing to pay.  Value isn't based on worth or usefulness.  It's based on a somebody.  For example, my parents had a garage sale this weekend.  They were getting rid of some junk that has been in their barn for generations.  It's useless stuff.  One thing was an old wooden wheel barrow with metal wheels.  You can buy a brand new metal wheel barrow with rubber wheels from Home Depot for a good price.  But a wooden wheel barrow with metal wheels?  Absolutely unusable.  But somebody bought it, obviously not because they're gonna use it to haul around dirt and rocks, but because it's an "antique" and "is worth a lot of money".  Why is it worth a lot of money?  Because someone is willing to pay a lot of money for it.  If nobody wanted to pay money for it, it would be worth nothing since it serves no purpose (and I don't consider "decoration" a purpose). #money

I have a problem.  I'm like Pizza the Hut from Spaceballs.  "News is in that the notorious gangster Pizza the Hut has died.  Reportedly, he locked himself in his limo and ate himself to death."  Ok, so that's not exactly how it works with me.  But I seriously think I could eat until I died.  Like I would probably explode before I stopped eating.  This can be seen by how much my stomach sticks out after I eat.  Is this a normal thing?  No!  You can actually measure the exact amount of food that's in my stomach.  But what's even more fascinating is the "why" of this.  Two reasons:  (1) Food tastes good and (2) It's just easier that way. 

I really like the taste of food.  I love the taste of a juicy steak with Bold and Spicy A1.  I love Nilla Wafers dipped in Cool Whip.  I could probably eat 2 million Circus Peanuts in one sitting.  And ever since Wendy started working at Mars, I've had an insatiable appetite for M&M's.  I used to only be able to put 2 in my mouth at one time (OCD anyone?), but now I could probably melt a whole pack into a smoothie and drink it in one gulp. 

I was raised on leftovers.  I could eat leftovers every day of my life.  I'm good like that.  But this forces me to save all uneaten food.  So let's say I cook a cup of peas for dinner.  And let's say I ate the chicken and stuffing that accompanied it.  Let's also say that I ate about 3/4 of the cup of peas, but I'm full.  Any more food would probably cause internal damage.  But in the interest of not having to put the rest of the peas in a plastic container and save them for future leftovers, I'll begrudgingly force them down my throat. 

So that's how it is with me.  You might read/hear something like this in the news sometime soon:  "New Jersey 'man' explodes from overeating.  Eagles win Superbowl.  Details on page A4." #food