The reason pirates wear eye patches isn't because of injury, disease, protection, or because it looks cool.  It's so they could easily use one eye for the brightly-lit area above deck and the other eye for the dimly-lit area below deck, without having to wait for both eyes to adjust to either condition.  This changes my entire life. 

I see a lot of signs at work and in public places that say something like "This area is off limits to unauthorized personnel".  This is an examples of a rhetorical tautology, i.e. "an unnecessary (and usually unintentional) repetition of meaning, using different words that effectively say the same thing twice".  The area is off limits because the personnel aren't authorized to be there.  The personnel aren't authorized to be there because it's off limits to them.  And so on. 

Quite possibly on the first day of my senior year of high school, I heard a phrase I'd hear many more times:  "I'm not doing that / going there / staying here / listening to this.  I'm graduating!"  This became known as the "Who cares, I'm graduating" excuse.  It can be conveniently applied to pretty much any situation, as long as the user is graduating from something in the somewhat near future.  It was used for skipping class ("I'm not going to class.  Who cares, I'm graduating."), slacking off ("I'm not doing that homework.  Who cares, I'm graduating."), and eating cookies for lunch ("I'm totally eating 7 cookies for lunch.  Who cares, I'm graduating."). 

It was actually a really stupid excuse because it often had very little to do with the situation at hand.  Plus, most users of the phrase were planning on attending college the following year, so many of the responsibilities they were trying to avoid were actually unavoidable and even detrimental.  "I'm not filling out these stupid applications.  Who cares, I'm graduating.  Oh wait..." 

This is also known as senior-itis, and it popped up again during my senior year of college.  The usage wasn't quite as widespread, presumably because people are more mature in college (ha!), and also because the next phase of life wasn't as attractive as college was to a high school student.  "I'm not taking this stupid final.  Who cares, I'm graduating.  But I could always stick around for another degree."

It turns out this excuse pops up yet again later in life in the workplace.  It seems to happen near holidays or before long vacations.  Instead of finishing a project or doing any type of meaningful work, you think, "Who cares, I'm gradua-- not gonna be here next week."  Depending on your level of importance, it can be very effective.  Honestly, what can your employer really do?  Call you while you're on vacation?  They could, but they might get a return call while they're on vacation.  It's a lose-lose, which is why I'm writing this very thing at this very time. 

I sit near a guy at work who's a friggin genius.  He's literally incredibly smart and could literally be considered a rocket scientist because of the nature of his work. 

But he has one very major flaw:  He uses the word "somewheres" instead of the correct word "somewhere". 

Linguists politely say "somewheres" is a nonstandard or "common" form of the word.  I say it's wrong.  It's completely and utterly wrong, and yes, it makes you sound dumb. 

The thing is, I hardly know anyone who uses this word.  There was my 3rd and 4th grade little league coach, but that was the least of his problems.  My 4th grade football coach might've also used the word (uh oh ... am I seeing a parallel between sports and stupidity?), but again, that wasn't his greatest fault.  Intelligent and uneducated people alike generally don't use the word "somewheres". 

The other thing is that this smart guy uses this word probably 60 to 70 times a day.  "That paper is around here somewheres."  "You take a right somewheres around the bend in the road."  "My son goes to school somewheres near New York."  If I counted the number of times I say the word "somewhere", it would be around 4 or 5 times a week.  Maybe.  This guy not only says the wrong word, he says it a lot.  It's irritating to say the least, especially for a nerd like me. 

It's interesting how things like charity walks and service projects often involve quite a bit of shwag (t-shirts, consumer products, bags, toys, etc.) freely given out by corporate sponsors.  I'm all about free stuff, but it seems to me that charities could generate more money by encouraging their corporate sponsors to donate money to the cause instead of providing semi-worthless products to the participants.  I guess it might have something to do with the idea of making people feel like they made a difference by providing them with some sort of material reward, but I personally could do without that kind of stuff.  Instead of giving $10 t-shirts to 40,000 people, give that $400,000 to the charity. 

Even though "heighth" is technically an acceptable variation of the word "height", and even though it actually makes more sense than "height" because it matches the other words corresponding to measurement (length, width, depth), I still don't like it.  I think it makes the user sound less intelligent.  Sorry, heighth users. 

Nemo the cat (the nice one), age 3. 

Reminds me of the Eye of Sauron from Lord of the Rings. 

Churches these days have been adopting a new practice:  Employing, either for pay or volunteer, security people for a variety of reasons.  One of the churches I go to meets in a hotel, so their security people are mostly there to make sure the hotel guests don't steal any kids from the nursery.  It makes some sense, and it's less about physical enforcement and more about just being aware. 

But their other role, as I just learned from one of them last night, is literally to protect the pastors.  This is weird.  The reason is because there are a lot of crazy people out there, and if a crazy person has something against a particular church, they're likely to go directly for the pastor.  This probably has at least something to do with the fact that this church meets in a hotel.  But it's also because of the recent church shootings in Colorado, where a guy went into two churches and just starting shooting people, finally being brought down by none other than a volunteer church security person with a gun. 

The security people at my church don't carry guns, but they do wear ear pieces like they're in the Secret Service.  And while all the other church volunteers wear happy blue t-shirts, the security people wear black ones.  My security friend said he probably wouldn't be willing to take a bullet for one of the pastors (at least he's honest), but any confrontation would probably be squelched pretty quickly by the presence of several men in black shirts wearing ear pieces. 

One of my new favorite websites, Stuff Christians Like, recently wrote about this. 

It's oddly interesting to notice two people doing the same thing differently.  To get into work, I have to pass through a gate where people check my ID.  I don't mean this in a bad way, but the people who check my ID are like robots:  They just do what they're told.  They sometimes know why they're doing it, but sometimes they don't.  It's interesting to watch this being played out.  Some guys take a quick look at my ID and pass me through.  Other guys look more closely.  And still other guys look at my ID, turn it over, and hold it up to my face to make sure the picture matches my face.  I find it hard to believe that any of these guys got their instructions from a different person.  They were all told to do the same thing, but some guys took it literally while other guys took it slightly less literally.  It's like a psychological experiment. 

This morning, my boss came to my office to ask me to attend an "award celebration", i.e. to be a body in the crowd so our organization doesn't look like a bunch of lazy jerks.  We were being presented with an award we don't understand, did nothing to deserve, and which won't positively or negatively affect us in any way.  But they served chocolate cake at the end, so I'm over it. 

Update (2008-05-14 12:47pm):  Actually it very positively affects us:  We get a half day!