Ahead of schedule
The three sweetest words in the English language.  Ahead of schedule.  I've been having excellent fortune with products and services being ahead of schedule.  I ordered some stuff from Dell.  They said something like, "It'll be here in about 10 business days."  But I received it in like 5 business days.  Cha-ching!  I ordered DSL service (eh...) from Verizon (eh...).  They said, "Your service ready date is October 6."  But then I got an email that said, "Hey duder, your service is ready now!" (paraphrased).  I'm pumped.  They could easily be lying when they say it'll take longer.  But hey, I'd rather be lied to in that way than for them to be late in getting me my stuff.  So I say to you:  Lie to me if you think it'll make me happy when you're actually ahead of schedule.  I'd rather be pleasantly surprised than unnecessarily angry. #psychology

Cool Whip
What's the deal with Cool Whip?  How can a food that tastes this great even exist?  I love this stuff.  If I could, I'd marry it, but that doesn't exactly work.  I love those people who say, "Ooh, we can have apple pie with whipped cream," but they're talking about Reddi-wip, not Cool Whip.  Reddi-wip is like skim milk:  it's worthless and gross.  It's what happens when you add water to something good.  I agree that Reddi-wip is cooler because it shoots out of an aerosol can, but I'll scoop my Cool Whip out of a tub any day. #food

Funny Bible
In early times in Israel, a man was required to marry his brother's widow if his brother died without a son so as to carry on that brother's bloodline.  If the brother refused to marry the widow, "his brother's widow shall go up to him in the presence of the elders, take off one of his sandals, spit in his face and say, 'This is what is done to the man who will not build up his brother's family line.'" (Deuteronomy 25:9).  Ouch.  They took the whole bloodline thing pretty seriously. 

Another funny thing is found in Deuteronomy 25:11-12 - "If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity."  Why on earth would she do that?  Was this a common problem?  Apparently it was the thing to do, seeing that it was important enough to write about in the Bible.  But like all weird and funny things in the Bible, it's there for a reason.  I'm not completely sure what that reason is, but I'm sure it's there. #religion

Underwear
College is over.  I'm a "grownup".  I have a job.  I'm married.  Some things can't carry over from college.  I can no longer sleep 11 hours a day.  I can no longer watch the Simpsons 3 times a day (and it's no longer on as much).  I can no longer fake my way through life -- oh wait, yes I can, and I do. 

But there's one thing I used to do in college that I should've never given up:  not folding my underwear.  I figured "Hey, I have a job now.  I need to fold my underwear."  Maybe I'm the only person who ever folded their underwear.  If so, then this post makes me sound a little crazy.  If not, then I need to share my findings with the whole world:  Folding underwear is the biggest waste of time in the history of the world.  There's absolutely no point to it.  It's not like anyone is ever gonna see your wrinkled underwear.  Y'know, 'cause they're underwear.  And underwear aren't like socks:  Socks must be folded or at least grouped together.  Otherwise you waste your time trying to find matching socks in the morning.  And if anyone's like me, mornings aren't the best time to test out your matching skills.  So instead of wasting precious minutes folding underwear and neatly placing them in your drawer, just throw 'em all in there in a big ball.  There's no need to sort them in alphabetical-color order anymore (not that anyone would do that).  Some people may argue that it saves precious drawer space by folding things.  To them I say this:  Shut up stupidheads!  The space you save isn't worth the time you waste.  You can quote me on that. 

And if you're really bold and want to save even more time, stop folding your undershirts (if you wear them).  There's no need for an unwrinkled undershirt; it goes under.  Instead, focus more time and effort on labeling your shirts with days of the week and writing your last name on all your underwear (just in case anybody steals your underwear; then they'll know it's yours).  Thank you for your attention, and have a nice day. #lifestyle