You're married? Jun 17, 2008
Did you ever know a person for a while before finding out they were married or had kids?  And then when you found out, you were like "You're married?  To a woman?" or "You procreated?  And they didn't come out as aliens or anything?"  I seem to know a disproportionately large number of these people. #sociology
i am neurotic Jun 9, 2008
There's a website called i am neurotic where people write in and talk about their neuroses, such as eating even numbers of candies, having irrational fears, and repeating certain actions a specific number of times.  People are weird. #sociology
Old person name change (4) Jun 3, 2008
I know of a person (let's call her Gertrude) who decided around the age of 60 to stop referring to herself as Gertrude and instead opt for Gerty.  (Sorry to anyone who knows this person and/or is related in some way; I mean no offense.)  I find this incredibly odd.  While I agree that Gertrude is an awkward name and that perhaps Gerty has a more modern-sounding or more easily-pronounceable ring to it, I don't think it's acceptable to decide to change your name later in life.  My simple argument is this:  How did you cope for the first 60 years?  Surely you can find a way to cope for the next 40 or so. 

It would be one thing if you just recently moved and started a new job where no one knew you.  You could finally get rid of that outdated name and adopt a nickname you've always wanted.  Such is not the case with the aforementioned Gerty.  She's been living in the same town for quite some time, has attended the same church for a while, and has many friends, family, and acquaintances in the area.  From what I understand (and I could be gravely mistaken, though I don't think I am), she woke up one day and thought, "Ya know what?  I'm sick of my name.  From now on, people will call me Gerty." 

It's like if I suddenly decided to be referred to as "D".  It probably wouldn't go over well.  And most likely, instead of people complying with my new nickname, they'd probably assign me alternate ones, like "Dork" or "Dumb" or "David H. Hosier, formerly known as Dave, eater of baby flesh and destroyer of souls".  Family members and friends would forever ask me, "Changed your name recently? *stupid chuckle*," to which I would sheepishly reply, "Nope, still going for D."  Perhaps if I was 60 and/or had the unfailing respect of my peers, I could pull something like that off.  But as it is, I'll probably just stick to Dave. 

Name changes are a very teenager-centric thing.  That's when you're finding your identity and rebelling against everything.  The best way to express your feelings is to rebel against your identity by creating a new name.  Or a new spelling.  Instead of Jennifer, go for Xeni (pronounced "Jenny").  Instead of Tom, go for Thom (pronounced "Tom").  You're young enough that it'll probably catch on before you stop caring about it not catching on.  But if you wait until you're 60 to change your name, don't expect it to catch on.  It's too late.  You missed the boat.  The name you were given is the name you're stuck with.  Sorry, Gertrude. #sociology
Pirates and eye patches May 16, 2008
The reason pirates wear eye patches isn't because of injury, disease, protection, or because it looks cool.  It's so they could easily use one eye for the brightly-lit area above deck and the other eye for the dimly-lit area below deck, without having to wait for both eyes to adjust to either condition.  This changes my entire life. #sociology
Uncultured (1) Apr 2, 2008
I'm incredibly uncultured, and I have every intention of staying that way for the rest of my life.  I've made it this far with my superstitions and my offensive beliefs.  There's no reason to change now. 

A few weeks ago I went to a gathering at a co-worker's house.  He lives with his wife in the "cool section" of Jersey City, which is painfully close to the "bad section".  At one point, some thug kids were sitting on the hood of his car, which was parked on the street in front of his house.  I alerted him to this fact, and he said, "Yeah, that's what they do around here." 

I was invited to the gathering under the pretext that there'd be make-your-own tacos and we'd be playing fun and exciting games.  Both of these promises came true, but there was more.  In addition to the normal taco ingredients, there were at least a few un-normal taco ingredients, one of which was a vegetable root called jicama.  I was coaxed into trying this anomaly by people who like trying new things, and I wasn't too impressed.  It tasted like a cross between an apple and a potato, which, as one would expect, isn't a good mixture.  It wasn't awful.  It didn't make me puke, but I definitely have no desire to try it again.  I should've gone home at that point. 

But then I looked at all the books on their bookshelves.  They had cool books.  Smart people books.  Books about philosophy and history and religion and philosohistogion.  A bunch of the books were college textbooks, but not textbooks I'm used to.  My textbooks are all boringly the same:  Three word titles that start with "Introduction To," "Fundamentals of," or "Advanced," followed by the word "Engineering" and some sort of subtopic involving math, physics, energy, heat, or fluids.  This is why I sold all my old college textbooks.  They make my eyes bleed.  But these philosohistogion textbooks were cool.  Not even in the "it's cool that you read that book" way, but in the "it's cool that you have that book" way.  If I were to judge a person by the books they have on their bookshelf, I'd say these people were intelligent, interesting, and cultured.  If someone were to judge me by the books on my bookshelf, they'd say, "What are you, five?" 

Later discussions focused on shopping experiences at Whole Foods (I've never been; sounds culture-y), homemade and non-Anheuser-Busch beers, and foreign-sounding deserts.  Everyone kept saying, "This is really good flan," "This is excellent flan," "This flan is great."  I was like, "What the heck is flan?"  I opted for the tres leches cake, which apparently translates to "disgusting, mushy conglomeration soaked in alcohol".  Both cakes were completely gone in a few minutes, and that's when I finally decided I'm not cut out for this "culture" thing. #sociology
British humor (2) Mar 19, 2008
It's official:  British humor isn't funny.  I always wondered why I didn't find it amusing.  I figured it was because of my age.  But I'm 25 now, and I'm likely as mature and/or wise as I'll ever be (I've heard everything drops off after age 30).  Watching the original British Office series did me in.  Not only was it not funny, it crossed several lines morally.  I realize the entire continent of Europe thinks Americans are a bunch of prudes, and I'm probably not the best spokesperson for the opposition.  Jokes about sex and poop are one thing, but this show took it several steps further, to the point where it made me uncomfortable.  I've seen some pretty morally awful movies, so that's saying a lot.  And this was a TV show, not a movie.  It was quite eye-opening. 

But besides the moral stuff, the show was just bad because it was filled with culturally-specific jokes.  If I lived in their culture, I would actually understand these jokes, and then I could fairly judge whether these jokes are good or not.  But since the context and the meaning is completely lost in translation, I'm left trying to figure out what they're actually talking about, and when I finally figure it out, it still isn't funny. 

I've heard that Europeans think American humor isn't funny.  Well, I don't think their humor is funny.  At least we can all agree that culturally-specific humor isn't funny. #sociology
Halloween sluts (1) Oct 31, 2007
I like (and by like, I mean hate) how all Halloween costumes for girls consist of a standard noun preceded by the word "slutty".  We've moved on from Slutty Nurse and Slutty Maid to things that don't even make sense, like Slutty Hobo and Slutty Witch.  Today at ShopRite I saw a Slutty Pumpkin, a Slutty Farm Girl, and some other slutty thing I couldn't identify.  It would be one thing if I was a normal guy and wanted to see those things.  But I'm not normal.  I don't like seeing 16-year-old girls in skimpy clothes. 

I hope my offspring are male. #sociology
Girly boy names (5) Oct 29, 2007
The following boy names should only be used for girls: 
  1. Sandy
  2. Kerry
  3. Shannon
  4. Fran
  5. Stacy (my sister's name)
  6. Dana (my other sister's name)
#sociology
Belated birthday wishes Aug 24, 2007
I received a card in the mail the other day wishing me a belated happy birthday.  I appreciate the thought.  But my birthday was exactly 4 months ago.  How long after a person's birthday is it no longer acceptable to send belated wishes?  I would say 1 month.  After a month or two, I think it's better to wait till the following year. #sociology
Lake community fireworks Jun 27, 2007
I live in a lake community.  My house is actually a solid mile from the lake, and I can't see the lake or smell it (which is good -- lakes smell gross), but I'm considered part of the community.  Everybody around me has a boat or a jetski or something.  And to celebrate every event, every night of the week, for any occasion whatsoever, people use fireworks.  Constantly.  What could possibly be celebrated on a Tuesday night in June?  And at 10pm?  I just don't understand people.  It would be one thing if it only happened once or twice.  But this literally happens every night of the week, all summer long.  Usually around 9:30 or 10pm.  I can think of about 3 events to celebrate with fireworks: 
  1. Birthdays
  2. Graduations
  3. Anniversaries
That's all I can come up with.  You wouldn't celebrate your bar mitzvah with fireworks.  You wouldn't celebrate the birth of a child with fireworks.  You wouldn't celebrate a first tooth, a baseball game win, or a new car purchase with fireworks.  Well, maybe you would use fireworks for some of these, but you'd probably save it for a Friday or Saturday.  Not a Tuesday. 

I can think of at least 3 reasons why you wouldn't or shouldn't use fireworks to celebrate things:
  1. They're illegal in New Jersey, so you have to go out of your way to get them.  Plus, their bright lights and loud noise make it easy to pinpoint the person who illegally transported explosives across the state border.
  2. It was 92°F yesterday.  Why don't you just throw lit matches into some dry grass or throw your lit cigarette out the window?  Oh wait, you already do that.
  3. They're stupid.  If you're gonna do fireworks, don't just get 3 or 4 and light them off every few minutes.  Spend a fortune and make it worthwhile.
#sociology