Being bald Jun 28, 2019
As a kid, I thought about growing up to be a professional athlete or an astronaut, but I never thought about how I would look.  And I would imagine if you asked people how they think they'll look when they're older, they'll say something about being wrinkled and gray.  No one expects to go bald, which is weird because it's ridiculously common.  In every culture on earth, a significant proportion of the male population goes bald. 

Sometime in my late twenties, I noticed it was happening.  I shaved my head a few times when I was younger, so I wasn't opposed to having short hair.  And I remember deciding before it happened that I wouldn't be one of those people who tried to hide it with a comb-over.  So I pretty much just went for it.  My current hair style varies between 1/8-inch of balding hair to 0 inches (razor shave). 

Being bald is a little weird because it's not something you can really hide.  It's out there, right in front.  You can't cover it up with baggy clothes or makeup.  It's not like being overweight and having the option of working out.  Everyone sees it and notices it.  Some people make jokes about it, including me.  It's like having this weird negative thing attached to you that you don't really like and other people don't really like but you're at peace with it because it's already there. 

That said, I have a renewed appreciation for men with wonderful luscious hair.  At the same time, I also have an increased disdain for men who are sitting the fence between having hair and being bald.  It's so obvious they're clinging to the last thing that signified their youth, and on top of that (pun) it looks bad.  Just accept it, cut your hair short, and move on.  It's better over here. #lifestyle
Default abilities Jan 9, 2019
A lot of video game characters come with default abilities, like sprinting, jumping, etc.  Some sci-fi and fantasy game characters also have semi-magical abilities like invisibility and teleportation. 

I was pleased to learn about the default abilities that my human child came pre-installed with.  Of course she had the standard abilities like a rooting reflex and the ability to grip.  But she also had the ability to hiccup, and also a light-induced sneeze reflex.  I would say my favorite of her abilities is her stretch which involves arching her back while lifting her arms and making a kissy face, and her standard vocalization which sounds like a hiccup but isn't.  What's most amazing about these abilities is that they were all present in her first few hours of life, no unlocking or leveling-up required. #lifestyle
Midwives Oct 25, 2018
I mentioned the midwives a few times in my birth post, and I wanted to elaborate on them a bit. 

Midwives seem to me to be simply women who have some experience with childbirth.  They're sort of like older, wiser tribeswomen with experience doing the thing you're nervous about.  They have a lot of experiential knowledge, and tend to have practical suggestions for things.  Their methods tend to be less scientifically rigorous than I'd like, but sometimes you don't need proof to know that a certain treatment works for some people sometimes. 

We went with midwives (certified nurse midwives, to be exact) instead of the traditional ob-gyn doctor route because Wendy felt more comfortable with them in general.  The doctors were a little too clinical for her tastes, and she wanted more of a say in the actual birth process than a doctor would've allowed.  Specifically she wanted the option of doing a water birth and possibly a home birth, which doctors typically aren't on board with.  Also she didn't want a needle in her back. 

My initial opinion of the midwife-sanctioned home birth was not positive.  What if something goes wrong?  What if they need to do emergency surgery?  What if the umbilical cord is wrapped around the baby's neck or the baby gets stuck in the birth canal or the mother's blood pressure drops too low while delivering?  There are like a billion legitimate reasons to not do a home birth. 

But the midwives have a simple and interesting philosophy:  Childbirth is a very natural process.  The baby will come out of you whether you want it to or not.  Yes it can be dangerous and deadly at times, but humans have been giving birth to babies since before we were technically humans.  Nothing that happens during a childbirth is too much for a woman to handle.  If it was, none of us would be here. 

Modern medical practices have reduced infant and mother mortality by a ton, but some doctors are a little trigger happy.  The rate of C-sections isn't uniform across the board; it depends what hospital you go to, or what state or country.  A lot of the treatments during childbirth are linked to statistics:  If you're not progressing at a certain rate by a certain time, they induce or cut you open.  Also, by inducing childbirth with drugs or procedures, you're short-circuiting the body's ability to produce oxytocin and other chemicals that further help the process and reduce pain.  I'm 100% not an expert on this stuff, so I'm a little out of my element, but the general outline makes some sense to me. 

The midwives' guiding principle is that it's all about atmosphere.  So everything they do, from using a tub, to talking quietly, to having calm lights and sounds, is to relax the person giving birth.  There's no rush, as long as the labor is progressing at a medically reasonable rate (they measure mother's and baby's heart rate).  The cervix is a sphincter, and that type of body part tends to tense up in stressful situations.  So anything that can relax that muscle will allow the mother to relax, which will make the process begin and go smoothly.  They mentioned an anecdote that many women start their labor on the toilet, because that's one of the few times they're alone and in a quiet environment.  Wild animals tend to find a quiet, secluded place to give birth.  Humans should be no different. 

Even before the birth process and after the baby came out, their principles stay the same:  Just relax about the whole thing.  Still take it seriously, and do blood tests when necessary, and measure pulse and weight and whatnot.  But just relax.  I really like that entire worldview. #lifestyle
Male contribution Oct 2, 2018
It's pretty remarkable how insignificant the male contribution to birth actually is.  Jim Gaffigan covered this pretty well in his standup special.  But really, aside from the initial part (sex), here's a list of things the male participant doesn't do: 
  1. Grow a fetus inside their body.
  2. Grow an additional organ (placenta) inside their body.
  3. Figure out how to use an organ they've never used before (uterus) to safely eject the fetus from their body.
  4. Feed a human with their body.
I knew I would be mostly on the sidelines for this, but honestly it's kind of embarrassing. #lifestyle
Birth Sep 23, 2018
On the evening of Tuesday, September 11, 2018, my daughter Hannah was born in an inflatable water tub in our bedroom, under the supervision of two certified nurse midwives and one midwife assistant.  Wendy did a fully natural childbirth over the course of about 48 hours, the last three hours of which were spent in the tub pushing. 

Wendy wanted to go with midwives because she liked their philosophy of "helping a birth happen" instead of "getting a baby out of you" which many doctors and hospitals seem to practice.  She wanted to avoid a C-section and an epidural if at all possible.  The idea of having the birth at home just sort of made sense (as long as there were no medical issues) instead of having the baby at a hospital and then waiting around for a few days before we could go home. 

Sometime on Sunday afternoon, Wendy started making a face and saying, "I think something's happening."  As instructed, she called the midwives who told her to take a Benadryl, have a glass of wine, take a bath, and get some sleep.  The idea was to chill out, relax, and get some rest before the real action started.  She followed the directions but didn't get much sleep, and later came downstairs during the Sunday night Bears-Packers game and said her contractions had officially started (this sort of ruined an otherwise amazing Aaron Rodgers come-from-behind win, but oh well). 

After a somewhat fitful night of sleep, we both got up Monday morning and sat around while the contractions continued to become more regular.  I kept time on my phone, and rhythmically tapped Wendy when a contraction came.  She read that tapping can distract you enough to more easily get through pain and discomfort, and it worked great. 

Once the contractions reached a certain rhythm, we called the midwives and they showed up at our house for some initial exams.  Their first cervical exam on Monday evening accidentally broke Wendy's water, which happens sometimes but isn't exactly ideal because it sort of starts a 24-hour clock where if the baby isn't born in that time, we'd have to go to the hospital and get the process really rolling.  The midwives suggested taking castor oil to try to speed up the contractions, but after one dose, then two doses, we were still mostly in the same spot.  The midwives gave Wendy some slightly stronger sleep medication (Promethazine) because they wanted her to conserve her energy and rest.  This didn't quite work because the contractions kept waking her up. 

Side note:  One of the midwives was about to do a cervical exam, and she said sort of deadpan, "I'm a lefty, but I do my cervical exams right-handed because I used to play trumpet."  I thought this was hilarious. 

Tuesday morning, the midwives showed up for good (they kept coming and going because they didn't feel like Wendy was in a phase that needed constant supervision) and we all mostly waited around while Wendy continued her contractions.  She found that walking around made things feel better, so we walked around the house, up and down the driveway, and down our street.  It must've looked weird for the neighbors to see Wendy and me strolling slowly down the street, with her occasionally putting her hands on my shoulders and hunching over to deal with a contraction.  Nobody mentioned it. 

The midwives had a magic touch where they placed a hand on Wendy's lower back during a contraction and it made the pain go away.  Wendy said later that the pain on the second day wasn't as bad as the first day, which the midwives said was likely due to her hormones kicking in. 

By mid-afternoon, I was instructed to assemble the inflatable tub and start filling it with hot water.  Wendy's labor was progressing, and the midwives were doing periodic checks on blood pressure and fetal heart rate to ensure everything was good.  For one of Wendy's contractions, I put my hand on the magic spot on her back, and she kind of yelled to not push there because it felt like I was pushing the baby out.  This was the cue to enter the tub and start the show. 

The water allowed Wendy to float a little, as well as try out a few different positions (laying down, squatting, hunched over the edge) to see what felt best.  When she started pushing, the midwives really took control and told her what to do and when to do it.  As someone said at some point, "You've never used the muscles that push a baby out, but when the time comes you'll figure it out." 

The pushing went on for a few hours, with constant monitoring of the fetal heart rate.  And then it happened.  The baby came out essentially all at once with one big push.  It was a bit chaotic.  The midwives put the baby on Wendy's chest and let her gradually figure out how to use her lungs.  After the umbilical cord stopped pulsing, I did the honors of cutting it, which weirdly prompted Hannah's first cry, almost like she could feel that I was taking something away from her.  They wrapped her up in a towel and handed her to me while Wendy finished up in the tub.  Our bed became a makeshift operating table as the midwives hooked Wendy up to an IV (just a precaution because it was a long labor) and gave her a few stitches. 

After some cleanup and whatnot, it was time to drain the tub.  The midwives removed the various gunk associated with childbirth, and so the tub was full of just water and some blood.  They suggested instead of dumping it down the drain and filling the septic tank, we could just drain it into a garden or some other place outside.  This was news to me, but that's what we ended up doing.  We ran a hose out our second-story window and into some decorative red rocks. 

The midwives stuck around for a few hours while we figured out how to breastfeed, change a diaper, and put clothes on a newborn (surprisingly difficult).  After that they left, and we slowly and quietly rested and recovered in the comfort of our own home. #lifestyle
Baby communication Sep 20, 2018
I used to think babies just cried all the time for no reason.  But in my very limited experience, crying seems to be their only way of communicating.  It's sort of like the beginning part of a video game where you only have one skill or one emote unlocked.  Since it's all you have, you use it for everything, even when it's not particularly appropriate or effective.  You melee an enemy, then try to melee a door because you haven't figured out the "open door" command.  Or you dance to say hi to a fellow gamer, then dance to warn them about the enemy behind them.  It's actually kind of amazing how a single action can communicate hunger, discomfort, gas, dirty diaper, etc. #lifestyle
Volunteers needed Aug 14, 2018
I find it ironic when I see a sign or something announcing Some Big Event™ but also "Volunteers Needed".  Shouldn't you get your volunteers first, then have an event?  "We're doing a thing, but you have to help" isn't a very enticing offer for me. #lifestyle
Expecting a baby May 21, 2018
I'm expecting a baby in a few months, and it's an odd sensation.  I know it will completely and permanently alter my life in countless ways, but I'm just not sure of the details.  I mean I know I'll never sleep again, and I'll never have free time or energy again.  But how will I feel about that? 

Having a due date is sort of like planning for a major event like a wedding, where you're saving up money, buying various necessities, and generally counting down the days.  Except it's less like a wedding and more like a natural disaster.  You know something big is gonna happen, and it'll affect every aspect of your entire life, and so all you can do is sit there and wait for it to happen.  Also it won't happen gradually like a slow-moving volcano in Hawaii; it'll be all at once like a fucking meteorite.  In short, I'm panicking, but only a little bit at a time. 

I haven't spent much mental energy worrying about things -- will the child be a human, will it have a sufficient number of limbs, will it inherit my baldness?  And the simple reason is that it's too late now.  You can back out of a wedding; you can cancel travel plans; you can get a tattoo removed.  You can't undo a pregnancy (I mean obviously you can, but we're past that point).  It's happening, and as much as we can paint and prep and read books, we're still just sitting around waiting for that meteorite to land on our heads. #lifestyle
Baby holders Mar 27, 2018
I'm expecting a child ("congrats" thanks), and for the first time in my life I checked out the children's sections of Walmart and Target, and immediately noticed that there are a plethora of products designed solely to hold babies: 
  • strollers, for holding babies while you stroll
  • papooses, for holding babies while you walk
  • car seats, for holding babies while you drive
  • cribs, for holding babies while they sleep
  • boppies, for holding babies while they lounge
  • bumbos, for holding babies while they sit
  • high chairs, for holding babies while they eat
  • baby tubs, for holding babies while they bathe
I'm new to this, but can babies do anything? #lifestyle
Multiple wives Aug 9, 2017
People tend to think that having multiple wives would be a good thing.  They look at polygamists as sort of sexual heroes.  "More wives means more sex!"  Yeah that might be true, but I tend to look at it from a different perspective.  More wives means more relationships, and relationships are more than just sex.  There's feelings and emotions and anger and jealousy and irrational brooding over perceived harms.  Relationships are work, and work isn't always fun.  Multiply that by several wives and add in some inter-wife relationship issues, and you've got a mess on your hands.  No thanks.  As I tell my own wife, one wife is more than enough. #lifestyle