Shopping cart return failure Mar 6, 2020
One of the ShopRites in my area recently did away with their shopping cart return program, and you'll never guess what happened:  There are shopping carts scattered literally all over the goddamn parking lot, and it's a big fucking mess in an already crowded, shitty parking lot.  Wow, what a surprise.  I literally cannot even begin to fathom why they would've made that change, other than maybe a new manager wanted to sit atop his crappy kingdom and watch the world burn. #business
Party City helium shortage May 13, 2019
This is the one of the weirdest articles I've ever read:  Party City closing 45 stores as helium shortage hurts sales.  It starts off with "the retail chain will close 45 of its 870 stores this year".  Standard economic ups and downs.  But no, this is happening because of a global helium shortage.  The company is "missing its revenue 'in large part due to helium supply pressures'".  That's an unintentional joke if I ever saw one. 
Helium may be the second most plentiful element in the universe, but it's also one of the lightest and doesn't form molecules easily with heavier atoms," Bylund wrote. "Hence, the helium we use ends up floating into space, never to be seen again. There is no economically efficient way to manufacture the gas, so the bulk of the worldwide helium supply is a byproduct of natural gas extraction.
There's a little science lesson for you, and it seems pretty legit.  And the kicker came at the end, which is why "the response really requires someone in another industry to do something first".  Later in the article we learn about "the government-run U.S. Federal Helium Reserve in Amarillo, Texas".  The h-what?  That's a real thing? 

I've never learned so many useless facts about something I care so little about. #business
Non-value added Dec 19, 2018
Related to support staff, I'd like to take a moment to talk about systems engineers.  These are the people who generally keep track of things in a project and have a decent understanding of the technical specifics.  At my job, every project apparently needs a systems engineer, and systems engineers are like rabbits in that they tend to multiply.  You start off with one, but before you know it, you have a whole team of them. 

My firm opinion on systems engineering is that it's thoroughly and completely non-value added.  I've worked with systems engineers many times, and the most common sentence I tend to utter is, "You want me to do what?  Why?"  On the one hand, it's good to have a person to keep track of things.  But on the other hand, we all already do that ourselves, and generally the project manager does it as well.  Systems engineering is just this unnecessary add-on that requires additional time and energy and provides no realizable benefit to anyone.  I've never been a part of a systems engineering thing and thought afterwards, "Wow, that was totally worth it." 

Systems engineers seem to really enjoy interacting with other systems engineers, and they tend to talk to each other in big words and meaningless acronyms while filling out useless spreadsheets that no one looks at.  At the end of the day, they produce nothing.  Their work makes no money, provides no value.  We should banish these foul people to the far reaches of the earth. #business
Support staff Dec 19, 2018
Workers can be broadly divided into two groups:  (1) the do-ers and makers who directly create or produce the thing that makes money, and (2) the support staff who makes sure everything runs smoothly.  One isn't better than the other; without one, there wouldn't be an other.  An engineer might design the thing, but it requires a machinist to make the thing, and an electrician and plumber to make sure the thing can get made, and a custodian to make sure the facility is kept clean. 

I'm in the former group, and I'm a little egotistical about it.  I don't rub it in people's faces, but I win a lot of arguments in my head.  One group of support staff that always bothers me is the computer and networking people.  Their job is to make my computer run smoothly and make sure I can access the information I need.  But when there's this strict, authoritarian stranglehold on the use of USB devices, unapproved software, and internet use (one time they blocked Wikipedia and I legitimately needed it), it feels like the groups are switched.  This sounds pompous, but I'm literally the person in this conversation who does the work that earns our organization money.  Computer people are not. #business
Commercial exemption Dec 10, 2018
I feel that I should be exempt from hearing and seeing commercials for things that (a) aren't available in my area, and (b) I already own.  I routinely see TV commercials for cable companies, internet service providers, and natural gas companies that I literally cannot be a customer of because they don't operate in my area.  Also, I'm already a customer of several companies that offer cell phone service, satellite TV, and make cars.  I'd like to opt out of these ads please, thanks. #business
Paternity leave fiasco Nov 1, 2018
So I had a child recently.  In the months leading up to the due date, I informed my boss and coworkers that I'd be taking several weeks off for paternity leave.  Obviously I didn't know the exact date it would start, but most people are reasonable and can accommodate uncertainty like that.  When the date rolled around, I emailed my boss and a few coworkers to let them know. 

A few days later, I took a brief trip to my office to pick up my laptop in the hopes I could keep up with a few minor things while I was out.  As I entered the door to my building, one of my coworkers spotted me and said, "Ah, just the person I wanted to see."  I happily informed him the baby had arrived, so my paternity leave started and I was just stopping in the office real quick.  He said a brief congratulations, and followed it up in the same breath with "the project manager was hoping for a status update on that thing you were working on."  My smile turned into a half-smile as I reminded him of the words I had just spoken, i.e. I'm on paternity leave.  His face started to show a little distress as he reiterated that a person had requested information regarding a task I had been working on. 

A little background on my job without going into too much detail:  I work in research and development.  Schedules routinely slip.  The atmosphere is largely relaxed, and work gets accomplished when it gets accomplished.  Most people aren't in a rush.  It's probably less than ideal in terms of productivity, but it is what it is.  That said, the work I do in general is fairly unimportant, and this task in particular was a side project I agreed to do as a favor.  Actually it was a favor to this coworker who hasn't kept up with modern technology and is unable to do things as quickly or efficiently as me.  I'm not mad about it; it's really not a problem for me to write some code to automate some tasks.  That's why I agreed to do it.  But as a favor, it held fairly low priority for me.  That, coupled with the fact that the originator of the task wasn't very forthcoming with instructions or specifics, signaled to me that it was of somewhat low importance. 

Anyway, I got to my computer at my desk and sent out the birth announcement to some coworkers.  I got several sincere congratulations, which I appreciated.  But my boss sent a reply that basically said, "Congrats, also what's the status on that task?  The guy was asking about it." 

The vindictive, passive aggressive part of me thought, "If you expected the task to be delayed a few weeks, you can tack a few more weeks onto the end of that."  But instead I sent an email to all involved that detailed the status of the task before I left, and an expected resumption of the task upon my return from paternity leave.  About a week later, I got another email from my coworker who said they wanted me to finish the task while I was out and that my boss "was traveling for one of YOUR programs" (actual quote) and so he was unable to do it himself. 

This pissed me off for a few reasons, not the least of which because my 50-year-old coworker sends emails like a teenage girl.  One reason is that I think birth and maternity leave and paternity leave and sick leave and vacation time and really any personal thing should be respected by employers and coworkers, especially for employees who are solidly reliable workers, and especially for first-time parents.  And especially when the work is unimportant. 

But the other, bigger, reason this pissed me off was because these two people, grown adults with children of their own, should've known better than to intrude on my time like that, and they should've had the balls to stand up for me and tell the project manager that I was on paternity leave and would complete the task when I returned.  If that answer was insufficient, they should've found somebody else to do the work.  End of story.  There's really no need to pester a person about a meaningless task during a vulnerable time in their lives, and grown adults should really be able to stand up for their peers.  I really don't think it's asking too much to request that a coworker literally just tell the truth to a manager.  It doesn't look bad on them, and if somebody thinks it looks bad on me, I don't give a flying fuck.  I'm too good of a worker to get fired (see the aforementioned about automation and efficiency). 

In the end, I ignored that last email and just didn't do anything about it, completely out of spite.  And when I finally got back to the office, it turned out they found somebody else to do the work. #business
Paying for labor Dec 1, 2017
I just paid for some routine maintenance on my car yesterday.  More than I had planned, but oh well.  I could've probably done some of the work myself (definitely the cabin air filter), but it would've required me to (a) figure out the exact part to buy, (b) actually buy the part, (c) figure out how to replace the part, and (d) take time out of my life to do the work.  Most projects I attempt end up taking more time than I anticipate and more aggravation than I desire.  Last weekend I replaced a kitchen faucet.  It took 4 hours:  3:58 to uninstall the old rusted faucet, and 0:02 to install the new one.  That's how things go for me.  I guess if I did that type of work on a regular basis, I would get more efficient at it.  But still, I find myself paying for labor more often these days, especially when that labor is even slightly skilled.  I do my own lawn work because it requires almost no skill.  It just requires equipment and time.  I do some of my own plumbing, but generally not if soldering is involved.  Car work requires equipment, time, and knowledge, which I'm ok with paying someone else for. #business
Tipping part 2 Oct 10, 2017
I wrote about tipping a while ago (ok that was 12 years ago, whatever), but some things have changed.  I'm somewhat ok with tipping.  It took me a while to accept, but I've come around to the idea.  Well, not exactly.  I see tipping as just a mandatory tax.  I tip 20% at restaurants regardless of the level of service I receive.  I found that it's easier to just accept it and move on.  And that's exactly where I'm at. 

However, on a recent trip overseas where the tipping rules are different and sometimes nonexistent, I was having some trouble.  A tourist guide book recommended a whole bunch of different things depending on the type of restaurant and whether or not there was a little abbreviation on the check indicating that the tip was included.  This coupled with the language barrier just made things confusing.  And I came to the conclusion that, quite honestly, I don't care what I'm supposed to tip.  JUST TELL ME.  Don't make me have to figure out your weird customs and intricate symbology.  Just tell me what to do.  I'll pay; I really don't care.  Worrying about a tip detracts from the experience at a restaurant. #business
Customer service hero fantasy Aug 11, 2017
One of my fantasies for if I somehow became filthy rich would be to get an entry level job in customer service.  I've seen and heard stories about customer service reps dealing with the shittiest people on earth who are trying to return things after the return date or who are angry about the amount of time something takes.  You see this usually young, helpless person try their best to calmly deal with and meet the demands of an adult child, all while making close to minimum wage.  It's a thankless job. 

My fantasy would be to treat people the way they should be treated:  As assholes.  "What do you mean I can't return a half-eaten burrito?"  Get out of my store.  Don't come back.  Cry about it on Twitter, I don't care.  "I want to speak with your manager."  Too bad.  Get fucked.  He doesn't care about you.  "I have things to do today."  Boo hoo.  You want some cheese with that wine?  "I'll take my business elsewhere."  Good.  Do that.  See ya! 

Then I'd be the fall guy for when that type of thing went poorly.  Sometimes people don't want a solution to their problems.  They just want someone to get punished.  I would be the recipient of that punishment.  I'd say my mean things to win the day, then when the manager said "That's inappropriate behavior for employees at this company" I'd walk out of the store to the cheers of my coworkers. #business
Pretending to be my wife Jun 22, 2017
I called my cable company's customer service the other day, and based on some previous negative experiences I had, I told them I was my wife.  The account is in her name, so she needs to be the one who makes account changes.  Some companies will let you call and have the account holder nearby to give their verbal blessing.  But I just told them I was her.  What are they gonna do, not believe me?  Ask me anything.  I know her birthday, her mother's maiden name, her social security number, the hospital she was born in.  I know where she's lived, what cars she's owned, the name of her bridesmaid.  I know the answer to every possible security question they can ask.  That effectively makes me her.  Aside from the customer service rep being a little thrown off at first, it worked like a charm. #business