Some sort of stupid election is happening right now.  I'm so uninterested, I don't even know what it's for.  Attention politicians:  I'm your unreached demographic.  I know many people like myself who are completely turned off by politics because of the mudslinging and personal bashing that goes on among candidates.  No one knows what anyone stands for; everyone knows what everyone doesn't stand for.  I saw a commercial last night where candidate #1's sole message was that no one knew what candidate #2 stood for because all #2 did was make fun of #1.  What a bunch of idiots.  Filthy, disgusting human beings. 

Since the American political system is in total disarray, I have a few suggestions that could help bring the country back to its feet (or send it further down the hole it's falling into).  The ideal election would consist of the following:   
  1. Feats of strength.  How many push-ups can you do in a minute?  How fast can you climb up a 30-foot rope?  How far can you throw a football?  These things matter more to me than medicare and social security. 
  2. Chubby bunny.  How can I be expected to vote for a person that can only fit 2-3 marshmallows in their mouth while saying "chubby bunny" clearly?  I would need a candidate that could do at least 10. 
  3. Talent show.  Everybody's got a talent.  Can you chug a beer in one gulp?  Can you juggle flaming bowling pins?  Can you do skateboard tricks?  And sorry, Bill, playing the saxophone won't pass my test. 
  4. Swimsuit competition.  Actually, no.  I really don't want to see most political candidates in swimsuits.  Instead, I think they should compete in a fashion contest.  I'd be so much more willing to vote for someone in jeans and a t-shirt than a dork in a suit. 
  5. Hand-to-hand combat.  With UFC rules:  No headbutts, no groin strikes, no hair pulling, no kicks to a downed opponent.  Gloves and mouth guard required.  Everything else goes.  I'd put my full support behind a candidate that could (a) knock a guy out or (b) submit a person with an armbar or rear naked choke.  Plus, how can I be expected to respect a political candidate who can't take a punch? 
In conclusion, I feel that these 5 tests of moral and physical character would be a much more effective way of judging a political candidate's ability to lead his/her people.  Instead of taking shots at the other candidates while standing behind their staff of personal body guards, candidates would be forced to put it all out on the line.  Instead of depending on fancy law degrees from ivy league universities, candidates would be put through a series of unrelated, inconclusive tests that would essentially produce the same outcome as a normal election.  But it would be at least slightly more entertaining. #politics