Late TV (2) Mar 25, 2006
What's the deal with TV shows being on so late at night?  When did prime time become 10pm?  Yes I realize that 10pm isn't that late for many people, but I'm old, so 10pm is late.  I always see commercials for shows I might like to check out, but they're all on at 10pm.  Who stays up until 10pm? 

If this isn't bad enough, the junk that's on TV during normal waking hours is all reruns.  On any given day during my personal prime time (8-10pm), I can catch a rerun (or several reruns) of Seinfeld, Friends, CSI, or Law and Order.  While I like Seinfeld and CSI, I might enjoy TV a little bit more if I could watch something new instead of something old.  I don't know who decided to make things this way, but I'd like to have a talk with that person.  I'm sure they would change everything around for me. #entertainment
Don't listen Mar 24, 2006
I can't listen to people like Sean Hannity and Bill O'Reilly because of one simple fact:  They don't listen.  When people call in or when they interview guests, they always try to overpower the caller/guest.  It was kind of funny listening to Sean Hannity interview Howard Stern (another non-listener) the other day because neither of them listened to the other one.  They kept trying to talk over each other.  When you're the smartest person on earth like Sean Hannity, I guess you have the right to talk over people.  To me, it sounds proud and disrespectful.  I guess I'm just the kind of jerk that likes to finish what I'm saying before somebody cuts me off.  And even if I don't agree with what you're saying, I'll let you finish saying it.  Yeah sure, it's Sean Hannity's show, but he should still let people say what they're trying to say.  He ends up arguing against a point they're not even trying to make. #entertainment
Problems Mar 24, 2006
I've found that it's easier and more beneficial to complain about my problems than to do something about them.  For example, I work in an uncomfortably hot environment:  It's about 78°F.  This is unlike my previous complaint about working in an environment that's entirely too cold (around 66°F).  I have a pretty good feeling that if I said anything about the temperature, stupid actions would ensue. 
Me:  It's kind of hot in here. 
Dr. Stupid:  I'll turn on the air conditioner.
The problem with this "solution" is that it's a solution to the symptom.  Air conditioning fixes the symptom of it being too hot.  But the real solution would be to fix the problem itself.  The problem is caused by the heat being on too high on a cold day and there being no way to control a specific room's temperature.  So the real solution would be to turn the heat off when the room reaches a certain temperature.  I believe there's a magical device that does this by sensing the gravitational pull of Jupiter during high tide and incorporating the molecular weight of uranium-238.  It's called a thermostat. 

So instead of voicing my concerns to some idiot who won't and/or can't do anything about it, I'll just voice my concerns to the internet:  Teacher, mother, secret lover. #science
Crinkle Mar 24, 2006
I always eat a ton of food at my desk at work.  I stock up on Pop Tarts, granola bars, fruit snacks (like a 3rd-grader's lunch), and loads of candy every few weeks.  Now that I'm in my new office area where it's painfully quiet, I'm noticing how uncomfortably loud I am.  I'm always crinkling wrappers and tearing opening packaging.  I probably sound like a wild animal rummaging through the trash.  I never hear anybody else making food-related noises.  Do these people not eat during the day?  What's wrong with them?  I eat constantly.  If there was a way to wear a feedbag while still maintaining a moderate level of professionalism, I would totally do it. #food
Credit Mar 24, 2006
One time, many moons ago, I thought about buying a really expensive guitar.  I didn't have enough money at the time, so I thought about financing it.  I talked to the credit people at the music store about applying for a card.  Their first question was, "How's your credit."  I was 19 years old.  I never had a credit card.  My parents always talked about how evil they were.  I answered, "I don't know.  I guess I don't have any credit."  The credit guy slowed down and started to put the credit application back where he got it from.  "I could put in the application for you, but you won't get approved unless you have a certain credit score.  You might want to think about building up some credit."  Now there's an interesting paradox:  You can't get approved for credit cards unless you have credit, and you can't get credit unless you have credit cards.  It's sort of like applying for a job that requires a certain amount of experience.  In order to gain experience, you need to have a job. 

But then I found out that credit card companies give credit cards to any idiot who asks.  That's how they stay in business.  They know that a certain number of stupid people will charge as much as humanly possible on their credit cards, will be unable to pay the bill, and will therefore be forced to pay outrageous financing charges.  Why do you think the APR on most credit cards is around 15-20%?  Because credit card companies can.  If they could, they'd change it to 100-200%, but there are laws against that. 

I told my dad I was thinking about getting a credit card, and he said, "Why do you want to do that?"  I answered, "Because I need to build up my credit."  He said, "Oh, you don't need to worry about that."  But yes I did!  How else was I going to get credit history?  I'm not sure where he was going with that line of thinking. 

Now, 29 years later (or maybe 4), my credit history has enabled me to buy everything from a diamond ring to a car to a house.  Big time stuff.  But I never charge more than I can reasonably afford.  And I fully take advantage of credit card rewards.  I (and Wendy) currently charge everything we possibly can on our credit card so that we'll gain an unbelievable number of points.  These points can be used to redeem gift cards to restaurants, hotels, and stores.  We've already spent a $100 gift card at Ruth's Chris Steak House, a $50 gift card at Hard Rock Cafe, a few $25 gift cards at Applebee's, and a $50 gift card at a Marriott.  There's nothing like getting free stuff for doing nothing.  It almost seems weird that Citibank is giving us free money for using their cards, but then I remember all the interest-paying idiots that are financing my free meals and vacations.  Thanks, idiots.  (Note:  Some people are forced to pay finance charges because of certain unfortunate financial situations, and these people aren't idiots.) #money
Too quiet Mar 23, 2006
My office area at work is way too quiet.  There are about 10 people, each in his/her own cubicle, and it's still so quiet I can hear my own heartbeat.  Everyone can hear each other's phone conversations.  Everyone knows what everyone else is eating for lunch.  Everyone knows when anyone gets an email.  Everyone can hear what people are listening to on their headphones.  I think we need one of those white noise machines.  It wasn't like this at my previous desk.  There were only 3 people in our little office area, so it wasn't quite as threatening.  And before that, I was sitting in a little room by myself.  That was awesome. #business
Urinal games Mar 23, 2006
This site is selling (?) a urinal with a pressure-sensitive display that enables "users" to play a game while taking care of business.  What an awesome idea.  If I ever buy a new house, I'm getting this installed in the master bathroom.  Some people from the MIT Media Lab designed a similar device for a final project a few years ago.  (via Boing Boing) #entertainment
Scott Adams Mar 22, 2006
Scott Adams is the mastermind behind Dilbert.  He has a blog where he talks about very random and assorted things.  On the about page, it talks about how he got started drawing comics.  After working for many years in a number of different fields, he "entertained himself during boring meetings by drawing insulting cartoons of his coworkers and bosses."  How awesome is that?  Some bigwigs were sitting around a table thinking Mr. Adams was doing some serious note-taking.  Little did they know he was drawing pictures of them that would later make him tons of money.  Genius. #sociology
Open car door Mar 22, 2006
Sometimes I'll be driving to work on a 40-mph road and I'll have to come to a sudden and alarming stop because some dude parked on the side of the road is taking his sweet old time getting in his stupid car and left his big fat door open to oncoming traffic.  At times like this, I'm tempted to teach people a lesson.  I'd like to speed up to about 80 or 90mph and run into their open door, propelling it several hundred feet down the road.  Then I'd stop my car, back up a little bit, and say, "That's what you get for parking on the side of the road and leaving your door open to oncoming traffic.  Ya jerk." 

This was a huge problem when I lived in Hoboken.  Like any city, Hoboken isn't meant to be driven through.  It's a city for walkers and parkers.  Driving is highly discouraged, and the people parked on the side of the road know this.  They'll open their doors to oncoming traffic without even thinking about looking.  But it's not too big of a deal because the speed limit is around 25mph. 

This kind of thing shouldn't be a problem for undercrowded country roads.  It's not like there's a scarcity of open space.  The real issue is that stupid people don't park far enough off the road and don't think it's advantageous to use caution on 40-mph roads. #travel
Chubby Bunny Mar 22, 2006
Chubby Bunny is a game played by children and adults everywhere (that's probably not true).  The idea of the game is to stuff as many marshmallows as possible into your mouth while still being able to clearly say the words "chubby bunny".  The person with the most marshmallows in their mouth at the end wins.  It gets really gross toward the end because people start to drool and shoot marshmallows out of their mouths because they're laughing.  And watching a person spit 14 marshmallows out of their mouth at once is enough to make you gag. 

There's an urban legend out there that a child died from suffocation while playing this game.  Emails were forwarded that said something about a first-grader who stuffed her face so full of marshmallows that they emulsified (turned into a liquid mass) in her throat and blocked her airway.  Part of this is true:  There was a case of a girl who suffocated while playing chubby bunny, but she simply choked and died before anyone could resuscitate her.  The marshmallows didn't turn into a liquid mass in her throat.  The parents later sued the school and won lots of money. 

So whenever you play Chubby Bunny, be sure to have someone around who knows CPR.  You'd be surprised at how few marshmallows it takes to kill a person. 

(Although death is never funny, death by marshmallow kind of is.  Hence filing this under the funny category.) #food