Costume or not Nov 4, 2010
It was fun driving around this past Sunday (Halloween) trying to figure out who was dressed up for the holiday and who was dressed like normal, with normal being something that could easily pass as a Halloween costume. #sociology
Slutty costume ideas Oct 31, 2010
If you're a female and you've used up all your current ideas for slutty Halloween costumes, here are a few more: 
  1. Slutty Big Bird
  2. Slutty alien
  3. Slutty hobo
  4. Slutty tree
  5. Slutty grandma
  6. Slutty pig
  7. Slutty amputee
  8. Slutty slut
America, you're welcome. #sociology
Jerseyisms (2) Jun 1, 2010
I live in New Jersey.  But unlike 98% of the population of the state, I am neither Italian, Catholic, nor Jewish.  I live nowhere near the Parkway.  I don't wear cologne or body spray, and I've never gotten a spray-on tan.  Nonetheless, I'm a New Jerseyan, and this is a short list of what my people do: 

Jersey Salute - Giving someone the finger while driving, likely as a result of something they did wrong.
Jersey Bump - Gently hitting (a.k.a. love-tapping) the car in front of you and behind you while parallel parking.
Jersey Crawl - Not coming to a complete stop at a stop sign.
Jersey Jump/Scoot - Making a left turn as soon as the light turns green, cutting off a person moving forward in the opposite direction.
Jersey Shuffle/Slide/Sweep - Crossing three or more lanes of traffic without pausing, usually to get to an exit.
Jersey Massage - Beating someone with your fists. #sociology
Double riddle May 11, 2010
I'm an Aries, and this is The Onion's horoscope for me this week: 
"Enlightenment and confusion will both be yours this week, when a tree falls in the woods only to make the sound of one hand clapping."
A philosophical riddle and a Buddhist koan rolled together.  A famous cynic once said, "The sound of one hand clapping is the sound of a slap in the face." #sociology
Abbreviated names Apr 13, 2010
Some people's first names consist solely of abbreviations, like DJ or AJ or PJ or pretty much anything with J.  One could also make the case for BB, CC, DD, CB, DB, and KC.  This makes sense because those letter combinations seem to roll off the tongue.  Such is not the case with names like MG, RL, and really anything with W.  Maybe you get used to it if you say it on a regular basis, but for some reason, those abbreviations don't happen smoothly for me. #sociology
Chinese food and holidays Apr 12, 2010
After church on Sundays, Wendy and I go to Luigi's in Ledgewood, NJ for the best pizza on earth.  It's less a tradition than an addiction.  So we drove there after church on Easter, only to find it was closed.  We drove over to the ShopRite nearby to buy some replacement food, but it was closed too.  All to "observe" a "Christian holiday" or some such nonsense, as if people suddenly stop eating pizza and buying groceries simply because it's a holiday. 

But God bless the Chinese.  There's a little Chinese place in the same shopping plaza, and as a "screw you" to all the stupid businesses who close on major holidays, it remained open.  A similar thing happened when we visited Barbados on a cruise:  It was Sunday, so all the businesses were closed.  But who remained open to sell us a super-cheap bottle of ice-cold Coca Cola on the hottest place on earth?  The Chinese.  Bless their hearts, their industriousness, and their lack of observance of American holidays. #sociology
Bad neighbors Apr 9, 2010
I live in a pretty crowded, though quiet, neighborhood.  There are houses in every direction for as far as the eye can see (the eye can't see very far because of trees and hills), but there really isn't much noise besides barking dogs, weekend power tools, and the occasional beer-B-Q.  That all changed when the Bad Neighbors moved in next door.  The Bad Neighbors consisted of a single mom and her teenage daughter and 20-something son.  I don't hate people in general, and I didn't dislike these new neighbors as human beings.  But they did a few things that annoyed me, to say the least.  Here are three such things: 
  1. The truck.  The 20-something son had a friend that lived just up the street.  This friend drove a big pickup truck which conveniently was missing an exhaust system.  Oh, and I live on a hill.  So every night at exactly 10:40pm, the friend would drop the son off at the house, then gun his exhaustless truck up the hill past our house, such that the cats freaked out and the windows rattled.  I actually talked to the friend one night when his truck was parked in front of my house, and he was a really nice guy.  He said he hated his truck and how loud it was, but he couldn't afford to get it fixed at the moment.  I appreciated the sentiment, but actions speak exhaustlessly louder than words, my friend.
  2. The drunken parties.  I'm not opposed to drunken parties, per se.  But I am opposed to drunken parties on Tuesday nights (which happened more than once), and drunken parties that involve drunken yell-fights (there was literally a 20-minute segment of "What did you say about my mom?") and drunken cars towed from in front of my house in the middle of the drunken night.  There are two types of people in the world:  The kind who get drunk and wind up in jail, and the kind who don't.  The Bad Neighbors were the former.
  3. The Johnny Cash.  One fateful Saturday afternoon, the neighbors decided to put on a little Johnny Cash.  And they decided to crank it.  I can't think of a worse style of music to crank.  Also, I despise Johnny Cash and his ridiculous music.  Regardless, it was a warm, sunny Saturday afternoon, and people have the right to blast their music, whether it's Johnny Cash, Beethoven, or AC/DC.  But at about 10pm, I started to get worried.  At this point, Wendy, also an avid Cash-hater, had ripped her ears off her head and was foaming at the mouth.  I waited until about 11pm, then I went over to see if I could have a friendly discussion.  I got to the front door of the neighbor's house, and noticed through their screen door that there was no one visibly in the house, and the stereo was just sitting in the living room, turned up to full volume, blasting this nonsensical country folk crap.  I peered through some windows to see if anyone was even home, and then I had a frightening thought:  They might be dead.  Why else would anyone blast Johnny Cash for a full 12 hours?  So I knocked on the door.  No answer.  I waited for a break in between songs, then knocked again, this time harder.  No answer.  I pounded a few more times and yelled, "Hello?"  At this point, I was convinced there were corpses in the house, so I went back home and called the cops.  After a few minutes a cop showed up and did the same things I did, but then walked around back and knocked on a different door.  This time someone answered, and yadda yadda, no more Johnny Cash.  Also, quite possibly a court date.
About a year ago, at night, the exhaustless truck was idling loudly in the neighbor's driveway with his lights shining on an old car which they were attempting to fix.  This had been going on for a while, so I decided to take a stroll over there to see if I could convince these intelligent gentlemen to attempt their car repairs in the daylight.  In a non-confrontational manner, I started with some small talk before asking them what they were up to.  They answered that they were moving out of the house and were trying to get the car started so they could move it to the new place.  I just about peed my pants.  I excitedly walked back home and announced to Wendy that our Bad Neighbors were leaving, and since then, we've seriously considered buying the property next to us and tearing the house down so there would be no chance of having bad neighbors again. #sociology
High ground Apr 8, 2010
I technically live in a lake community, but in reality, my house is a solid mile from any significant body of water, which is fine by me because lakes stink.  But that's another story.  A few weeks ago it was raining like it was the end of the world, and rivers and lakes were flooding left and right.  The water level of the lake near my house was noticeably high, and all the rich people with lake houses were panicking to keep their pumps working so the flooding wouldn't ruin their wonderful basement art collections.  I couldn't help but laugh at them because (a) that's how I roll, and (b) my house will pretty much never flood, and that makes me happy enough to laugh at stupid rich people.  I live on a ridiculously steep hill, and the elevation is at least 200 feet higher than the lake.  Basically if my house flooded, the apocalypse would be upon us, so we'd all have something to worry about.  But until that happens, I'll continue to laugh at rich people who live at the same elevation as major bodies of water, because they're stupid.  And while it must be nice to walk out your back door and take your boat for a spin, it's also nice to not have water damage. #sociology
Osaka Binn Rogen Apr 7, 2010
Names for Osama Bin Laden used in this Onion article: 
  • Olala Win Robben
  • Osaka Binn Rogen
  • Orlama Win Roben
  • Owanda Bun Luvin
  • Paga Tin Stogen
  • Pajama On Llama
  • Okenny Ben Loggens
  • Oggie Ring Quabben
Pajama On Llama wins the prize. 

Update:  The Onion keeps intentionally changing the title of the article.  Perfect. #sociology
Jurk Apr 1, 2010
A guy named Mark Jurkowitz works for the Pew Research Center's Project for Excellence in Journalism, and I have only one thing to say:  It's time for a name change, buddy.  I'm sure I'm not the first loser to announce that the word "jurk" is in your last name.  That's about as desirable as having the last name "Buttfor" or "Stupidface". #sociology