Beeve Apr 23, 2010
Beef is defined not only as "the flesh of a slaughtered full-grown steer, bull, ox, or cow," but also as "a full-grown steer, bull, ox, or cow, especially one intended for use as meat."  In other words, it can refer to the meat as well as to the animal itself.  The plural of beef seems like it should be "beefs," but it's actually "beeves" because of that whole "plural of words that end with f" thing.  For whatever reason, you can also de-pluralize the plural, i.e. use the term "beeve" in reference to a single beef animal, which is what Michael Pollan did in The Omnivore's Dilemma, which struck me as odd.  But I guess since the term "beeve" can only really refer to the animal itself, it's a little more clear than referring to an animal as "a beef," which just sounds funny. #language
Misread Apr 21, 2010
I have one of those Life is good shirts.  It says "Life is good" on the front, a slogan with which I usually agree.  And I know this sounds stupid, but every time -- and I mean every single time -- I look at myself in a mirror while wearing this shirt, I think it says, "Life is boog," which of course is what happens to words in mirrors.  Why only part of the phrase is indecipherable, I have no idea.  But I have to reread it a few times and remind myself that "boog" is actually "good" and that yes, my shirt still says "Life is good." 

A similar thing happened while driving a few hours ago.  There was a sign for a dentist, and it said in big block letters, "DENTAL ARTS."  But I have slightly bad eyesight, so I misread it as "DENTAL RATS," even though I knew it couldn't possibly say RATS.  For whatever reason, my impaired vision was sending a stronger signal than the one in my brain that's able to fill in gaps of knowledge.  I'm just glad there's no such thing as dental rats, because I hate the dentist enough as it is. #language
Emphasized text Apr 13, 2010
Whenever I read italicized or somehow otherwise emphasized text, I tend to sort of bob my head and almost say the emphasized word or words out loud so I can fully experience the emphasis.  And when I emphasize words I write, I sort of expect the reader to do the same. #language
Repeated language Mar 26, 2010
I tend to write and speak in mimic of what I read and hear, and some of my sources are quite a bit smarter than me, giving the impression that I'm more intelligent and more eloquent than I really am.  This is a good thing because I'm actually quite dumb.  But really, isn't that what all speech essentially boils down to?  Regurgitated words and phrases heard in one context and passed off as original in another? #language
Rules grammar change Mar 10, 2010
This just in from the Onion Radio News: 
Rules grammar change:  English traditional replaced be new syntax.  The Onion Radio News it's, Redland Doyle I'm.  The US Grammar Secretary that no more will rules English follow announced today.  The changes verbs, verb clauses, and adjectives placing involved frequent with random shuffling or elimination conjunctions and prepositions of.  Grammar Secretary to according:  "Is new structure loosely on obscure 800-year-old pre-medieval Anglo-Saxon syntax based."  This week beginning American across all dictionaries, highway signs, and other books or objects writing upon revised to fit new syntax will be.
This is one of my favorite Onion things ever.  It's almost identical to a story they published over a decade (!) ago. #language
Poindexter Nov 18, 2009
Poindexter is an American surname meaning "right fist," which is probably the coolest thing ever in the history of anything. #language
Schadenfreude Oct 20, 2009
Schadenfreude is a German word meaning "pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others".  I must remember this. #language
No consolation Sep 11, 2009
My friend's girlfriend has a dog who "has feelings for" a particular blanket.  As such, it's called the humper blanket.  My friend had two things to say about this practice, neither of which were any consolation: 
  1. He doesn't hump it much.
  2. It's the only thing he humps.
It's like saying, "We only dropped two atomic bombs on Japan," or "I only puked on your feet." #language
Echo friendly Aug 12, 2009
I heard a radio newscaster say something about something being "echo friendly," and it took me a few minutes to realize I was listening to an idiot try to use the term "eco friendly," as in eeeecologically friendly.  Hey, everyone is allowed to make a mistake.  Unless your profession involves spreading information to as many people as possible. #language
Than (2) Feb 3, 2009
One time I lost a spelling bee with the word "than".  The moderator said the word, and he used it in a sentence like, "The sun is bigger than the earth."  I spelled it T-H-E-N.  And I lost.  I walked to my seat and tearfully sat down next to my mom, who explained the difference between "then" and "than".  I'll never forget that fateful day, nor will I ever get the two words confused again.  Public education success?  I guess you could call it that.  You could also call it compulsory public humiliation by way of meaningless nerve-filled competition.  Either one, I suppose. #language