Not a laughing matter (1) May 7, 2008
Sometimes I laugh at the wrong stuff.  Not like murder or cancer or anything, but just things that aren't supposed to be funny but sound funny in my head. 

For example, I was listening to a co-worker tell a story a few weeks ago.  In the story, he was casually mowing his lawn when he got hit on the head by a golf ball, which sent him to the ground.  He got up swinging and yelling because he thought somebody had attacked him from behind.  It turned out it was his stupid neighbor who didn't realize golf balls shouldn't be hit in the direction of people. 

Right as he said the part about the ball hitting his head, I laughed.  On the one hand, I can't even fathom how much it would hurt to get hit by a golf ball, especially on the head.  I would imagine it would rank up there with a concussion, giving birth, or breaking a bone.  I have no doubt that this guy felt some serious pain, that it was a serious situation, and that serious situations don't include laughing. 

On the other hand, I got a funny picture in my head.  The picture was actually more of a movie, and it involved two separate funny things:  The sound the ball could've potentially made as it hit this guy's head, and the distance it likely traveled post-ricochet.  The sound I imagined was like knocking on a hollow tree:  *clock*.  Weeks later, I'm still laughing at this sound in my head.  It helps that I've heard a similar sound, though thankfully not from a golf ball impacting a person's skull.  The ricochet is a whole other funny thing.  If you've ever witnessed a speeding golf ball hitting a solid object, you'd know that those things can fly.  I've seen golf balls fly off trees, pavement, and rocks.  It's truly breathtaking.  So the picture of a golf ball hitting a solid object called "this dude's cranium" is just too good to not laugh at. 

Thankfully I'm pretty good at making people think I'm a nice, civilized person, so I recovered my laugh into a "ha ha hh-wow that's unbelievable."  The guy went on to say he didn't suffer any permanent damage, so no harm, no foul. 

Update:  This Dilbert comic agrees. #psychology
Always late (2) May 6, 2008
From a conversation with a friend: 
Self:  It takes 20 minutes to get there.
Friend:  No it doesn't.  It only takes 15.
Self:  But you're always late.
Friend:  Bla bla bla that concept is too big for me.
Never take time advice from someone who's always late. #lifestyle
Driving in a parking lot (1) May 2, 2008
No, this won't be about some stupid idiom. 

It's funny how all driving laws are thrown out the window as soon as we pull into a parking lot.  There's no speed limit, stop signs are optional, lines mean nothing.  It's a free-for-all.  It might have something to do with the fact that no human being in the history of the universe has ever gotten pulled over in a parking lot.  Cops generally stick to the roads.  Sure, we all understand that the same rules that apply to roads also apply to parking lots.  But I personally don't know a single persons who demonstrates any amount of lawfulness while driving in a parking lot. #travel
Fecal contamination incident May 2, 2008
I moved to a new building at work, and one of the first emails that greeted me when I set up my computer was this gem: 
Hello Occupants,

We recently had a fecal contamination incident in the 1st floor men's room which will require special cleaning by the janitorial service.  This situation is disgusting and puts everyone who uses the restroom at risk. 

If you have an "incident", please request assistance in locating cleaning supplies so that you can clean up after yourself.  If you become aware of any such incidents, please report them to me or to your supervisor immediately.

If need be, the Criminal Investigator's office will be notified for appropriate action.

Thanks,
Building Manager
This is funny for a variety of reasons.  For one, as one of the building occupants pointed out, we're all adults.  We're old enough to take care of ourselves, and we all have enough experience controlling our bowels to get everything inside the toilet.  This kind of thing shouldn't be happening. 

Secondly, you can't pay for better fodder for conversation.  As my co-workers and I discussed it, we couldn't help but laugh like little children.  It doesn't matter how old you are.  Incidents involving feces are funny.  At an unrelated meeting later in the day, we discussed the incident at length.  Even old guys like project managers had a good laugh. 

Lastly, this isn't an isolated incident.  This is the third or fourth time it's happened in this building, and they apparently didn't catch the guy the first few times.  Even though it's gross and I feel incredibly bad for the poor folks who have to clean it up, here's to a few more fecal contamination incidents. #entertainment
Pen addict May 2, 2008
Raise your hand if you've spent more than $10 on a pen.  *hand raised*

It turns out I'm a bit of a pen addict.  It's not that I spend lots of money on pens and always buy new ones.  It's more like I walk down the pen aisle of office supply stores and ogle at all the cool pens.  If I had a million dollars, I'd probably buy a million pens.  And the weird thing is that I don't write very often.  I don't take very many notes on paper, and when I write something down, I type it.  But when I do write, I like simple pens that write smoothly.  The Bic Clic Stic was my favorite pen, but it seems they've stopped making it.  I'm on the hunt for a new favorite pen because this gel ink one I have at work is scratchy and blotchy. #products
Religious freaks May 2, 2008
Thanks to all the religious freaks over the years, the world's collective view of religion has changed for the worst.  A few examples: 
Thanks to all the televangelists of the 80s and 90s who scammed people out of money and/or got caught in extramarital affairs, no televangelist, evangelist, or religious person asking for money can ever be trusted again.  Thanks, public moral failures. 

Thanks to all the pedophilic Catholic priests, no priest, single man in a leadership position, or adult in charge of children can ever be trusted again.  Thanks, pedophiles. 

Thanks to all the Islamic terrorists, no Muslim, mosque, man in a turban, or woman in a burqa can ever be trusted again.  Thanks, suicide bombers. 

Thanks to all the cults who wrongly predicted the end of the world, created some sort of ridiculous fantasy about eternal life on a comet or pre-mortal existence as aliens, or murdered or otherwise convinced its followers to kill themselves, no "unorthodox" religious group can ever be trusted again.  Thanks, delusional schizophrenics. 

Thanks to all the Christian fundamentalists who battle constantly against abortion, stem cells, evolution, gay people, and separation of church and state, all practicing Christians are mislabeled as fundamentalists.  Thanks, fundies.
I look at these examples as the reasons why people don't trust religion and look negatively at people who do.  But at the same time, I'm guilty of doing a few things that have driven people away.  Hopefully people who are truly interested in Christianity can get past all the reasons to stay away from it. #religion
Self-referential May 2, 2008
This is dumb, but sort of profound. 
[Image: fminus20080502.gif]
#entertainment
IZZE May 1, 2008
I found this really great drink last week called IZZE.  It was in a Chipotle, and is apparently available in other trendy eateries like Starbucks.  It's a high-priced, sparkling juice drink made with 70% juice and containing all natural ingredients.  It has no refined sugars, no caffeine, no preservatives, and no artificial colors or flavors.  But what makes it cool is that it tries to be honest.  The back of the bottle says that even though the drink contains real fruit juice, the FDA says you should get your daily fruit intake from actual solid fruits, so drink the juice in addition to eating real fruits.  It's interesting to see a company use honesty on their product labels.  It makes me want to buy more. #food
Fresh seafood (2) May 1, 2008
People often talk about fresh seafood like it's the holy grail of foods.  Even I'm guilty of assigning a little too much significance to it.  Is there really a difference between fresh seafood and non-fresh seafood?  Does lobster eaten in Nebraska taste any different from lobster eaten in Maine?  The immediate answer from a typical food pundit is a snide "yes".  But is it a difference that's observable to the average joe?  Or is it more of a fine wine type of thing? 

I went to Red Lobster last week, and it was surprisingly better than I expected.  I always think of Red Lobster as the ... well, the Red Lobster of seafood restaurants.  It's a definition in itself.  I guess it's like the Pizza Hut of pizza places, the Taco Bell of Mexican food.  But I had a great meal there, thus raising my opinion of the place altogether.  And why was my lobster-shrimp-pasta dish so good?  Because of how it was cooked and how it was seasoned.  I highly doubt I'd be able tell the difference between freshly-caught seafood and 3-month-old, frozen seafood.  But as long as it's cooked well and tastes good, it doesn't much matter. 

Here's to non-fresh seafood. #food