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Don't care anymore Wed, Dec 20, 2006
I would say that about 98% of the classes I've taken in the course of my life have ended with this statement:  "I just don't care anymore."  And that annoys me.  I've always put a lot of time and effort into schoolwork, and my grades have usually reflected that [1].  So when it's the end of the semester and I'm studying hard or working on a final, it's such a letdown to admit to myself that I just don't care anymore.  The truth is, I usually do care.  In fact, I can't think of a time when I literally didn't care.  Grades have always been one of my top priorities, so it's impossible to say I don't care at least a little.  And no matter how much I try to tell myself I won't let it happen, I almost always end up getting to the point where I've put as much mental anguish and emotional stress into a particular project, homework, or test as I possibly can, so there's really nothing else I can do but throw in the towel and let the chips fall where they may. 

There's another interesting thing that happens at around the same time:  The crash landing.  I used to take easy calculus and physics classes that caused me a little stress every now and then, but for the most part, were very doable.  But these graduate engineering classes are killing me.  They're crushing my soul.  They're liquefying my brain.  They're burning my eyes out of their sockets.  And I've noticed that with pretty much every homework assignment, every test, every midterm, every project, and every final, I always reach a point where I honestly can't possibly do anything more or better than what I've already done, and even though I know it's completely wrong and there's no possible way it could be right, I just write down everything I know, show some equations and calculations, and hand it in.  It's a crash landing.  Even if I read every engineering book on the entire planet and went to lectures until my head imploded, I still wouldn't be able to correctly solve the problem.  The knowledge just isn't there, and it certainly won't be there if I continue trying.  And since I know the answer will be wrong, I do my best to make it look like I know what I'm doing, and I prepare for failure. 

[1] As a Christian, I can't take all the credit.  God gave me a brain and the ability to use it. #education

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