Handkerchief Mar 31, 2009
Hey listen, buddy.  I know you think you're being discrete and polite by blowing your nose into your reusable handkerchief, but let's get one thing straight:  It's disgusting.  You can't possibly think you're being even remotely health conscious, can you?  I mean not only are your snots all over this cloth, but now your pocket is full of snots too, which means every time you put your hand in your pocket, you're getting more snots on your hand.  God forbid you shake anyone's hand or, hell, even touch a doorknob.  Because although you might feel fine today, you're spreading your disgusting nose goblin snot germs all over the place, all the while thinking you're conserving tissues and being civilized. 

If you use handkerchiefs, you support terrorism. #health
Going over your head (3) Jan 16, 2009
I had my blood tested a few months ago, you know, just to make sure I had enough.  It was a routine test; nothing to worry about.  I got a phone call from my doctor's office when the results came in, and I was told a few of the numbers from the test (3 pints of blood, running low, could use new front tires, etc.).  I wanted to get a copy of the test results because I like to keep track of those sorts of things, but I kept forgetting to stop by my doctor's office, and of course they can't be mailed or faxed because that would make the world stop turning.  This past Monday was one of my many days off work, so I finally went to my doctor.  In the past, I've talked to the receptionist and simply asked for a copy of the results, seeing as how I'm not asking for an explanation or an interpretation.  This time was no different, but the receptionist said she had to ask the doctor to make sure I could have a copy of the results.  This sounded odd, since, you know, it's my blood, but hey I let it slide.  She came back in the room and told me I'd need to see the doctor in order to get the results. 

Before I continue, let me elaborate on my hatred of doctors.  No other profession gets paid a ridiculous amount of money to tell people what they already know.  If I went out on the street and told random people they needed to diet and exercise in order to lower their cholesterol, I would get punched in the face.  But if I put on a white frock and hung a stethoscope around my neck, suddenly I would be paid for this information.  You see, the internet has made doctors pretty much useless.  And they know this, which is why they wield their fascist-esque control of prescription-writing like a secret weapon.  It's all they've got left.  Wikipedia can diagnose pretty much any medical problem you can throw at it, but doctors are the only ones who can give you pills to fix it.  But in order to see a doctor, you have to make an appointment.  And like any service industry, the medical industry only fits into the schedules of the unemployed.  And then there's the waiting room, filled with contagious sick people and crying babies.  And then there's the private doctor-to-patient room, where more waiting occurs, this time while seated on a bench covered with deli paper.  Honestly I don't know why we make appointments in the first place if we know there's a 100% chance we'll end up waiting anyway.  The waiting is followed by uncomfortable questions, groping and prodding, and unnecessarily complicated medical terms ("It appears you have a medial-lateral cranial aberration causing malaise and incommodiousness," i.e. you have a headache), after which we're left alone in the small room while we try to reassemble ourselves and make it look like we weren't just assaulted.  This of course is followed by payment at the front desk, as if we should pay for the convenience and pleasure of visiting a doctor.  My particular type of insurance requires payment each time I see a doctor, whether or not he/she tells me anything useful, and regardless of how long that meeting takes, whether it's an hour or a minute. 

So I was a little pissed.  Pissed like I could've punched my fist through the bulletproof glass that separated me from the receptionist.  Pissed like I couldn't even speak.  I couldn't even form the words I was trying to say to convey how I was feeling.  So I walked out of the building and drove away, listening to loud music to lower my heart rate.  Wendy was with me, and as soon as we got home, she took over.  She called the blood testing facility and simply asked them to mail us the results.  They said ok.  No problem.  No charge.  No questions.  That's it.  It's your blood.  Here are your results.  Finito. 

I got the results in the mail yesterday, and I have to say, I don't think there's a better feeling than going over someone's head to get what you want. #health
Red 40 (7) Dec 11, 2008
I found out over the Thanksgiving weekend that my sister's 4-year-old son has adverse reactions to Red Dye #40.  It makes him crazy.  I'd never heard of that before and was a little skeptical.  But sure enough, one night he was acting crazy, and we determined that he had eaten a good amount of red jello.  Could be a coincidence.  Maybe not. 

Wikipedia's entry on this seemingly harmless dye is probably the scariest thing I've ever read.  Not only is it linked with hyperactive behavior in children, but it's actually banned in several European countries.  The tendency is to think, meh, it's a harmless dye; what could it possibly do to me?  But disodium 6-hydroxy-5-((2-methoxy-5-methyl-4-sulfophenyl)azo)-2-naphthalene-sulfonate isn't all that harmless.  I wonder what other strange chemicals are used in the things we eat and drink on a daily basis? #health
Different kinds of shape Dec 10, 2008
I'm in the best shape of my life.  Well, sort of.  I've been kickboxing a few times a week for over a year now and feel quite confident in my ability to punch, kick, and do pushups and situps.  I'm also quite confident that if Normal Joe (or even In-Shape Joe) came to my kickboxing gym and tried to keep up with me, he would get about 20 minutes in and end up puking all over the mats.  The thing is, my kickboxing workout is very specific, targeting certain major muscle groups while completely ignoring others.  So even when a person thinks they're in shape, they might not be in kickboxing shape.  But the opposite is also true:  Just because I'm in kickboxing shape, doesn't mean I'm in shape for anything else, such as lifting weights or doing pullups (as I discovered last week).  There seems to be an infinite number of definitions for "in shape" and they certainly don't always mean the same thing. #health
Oppositional defiant disorder Dec 9, 2008
Oppositional defiant disorder, or ODD, is the most recent ailment I've heard about that sounds completely made-up.  It's a condition affecting children and teenagers, with some of the symptoms being negativity, defiance, disobedience, and hostility directed toward authority figures.  Maybe I'm naive, but I don't think I've met a human being that didn't exhibit these behaviors, and with regularity.  Some of the specific actions attributed to the disorder are the following: 
  • Frequent temper tantrums
  • Argumentativeness with adults
  • Refusal to comply with adult requests or rules
  • Deliberate annoyance of other people
  • Blaming others for mistakes or misbehavior
  • Acting touchy and easily annoyed
  • Anger and resentment
  • Spiteful or vindictive behavior
  • Aggressiveness toward peers
  • Difficulty maintaining friendships
  • Academic problems
That pretty much sums up everything a child can possibly do wrong.  As with many childhood behavioral problems, I'm a firm believer in the practice of a good hard smack.  Nothing makes you change your mind faster than an aching backside. #health
Injuries causing injuries (3) Dec 8, 2008
I feel like injuries are often caused by other injuries and in turn cause more injuries.  It's an endless cycle.  For example, let's say I stub my big toe.  The first thing I'll start doing is walking on the outside of my foot to minimize impact to my toe.  But that'll eventually put undue stress on my outer ankle.  If my ankle ends up hurting more than my toe, I'll tend to walk on the inside of my foot, which will stress my arch and likely make my inner knee ligaments sore.  The knee bone's connected to the hip bone (sorta), so a stressed knee ligament will in turn stress a hip flexor.  Eventually my back will start to feel it because I'll be walking kind of crooked, and if I happen to be carrying a bag or backpack, my shoulder will feel the extra weight and respond accordingly.  Shoulders are magically connected to the neck, which will probably give me a headache.  And all that because of a stubbed toe. #health
Weight of muscle vs. fat Nov 25, 2008
Here's how pretty much every conversation about unwanted weight gain, gym memberships, and dieting has ever gone, for anyone, ever: 
Person 1:  I've been going to the gym and eating well, but the bathroom scale says I gained 10 pounds.
Person 2:  That's ok.  Muscle weighs more than fat, which means you probably gained muscle.
The simple answer:  It's true.  Muscle literally weighs more than fat. 

The more detailed answer:  First, let's get some terminology and semantics out of the way.  If I ask which is heavier, a pound of muscle or a pound of fat, most people will quickly answer, "They weigh the same amount, jerk."  Correct.  An equal weight* of two different things will always weigh the same amount, by definition.  However, they won't take up the same amount of space (volume) if they have different densities.  Density is mass** (or weight [though they mean different things {damn the English language!}]) divided by volume.  The same mass of a more dense material will take up less volume than a less dense material.  Similarly, the same volume of a more dense material will weigh more than a less dense material***.  Wikipedia says the density of human muscle tissue is 1.06 g/ml, while the density of human adipose (fat) tissue is 0.92 g/ml, which means that muscle is 15% more dense than fat.  Therefore, it's possible for the human body to lose a certain volume of fat and replace it with an equal volume of muscle, with an overall increase in weight.  The problem is that it's difficult (if not impossible) to measure muscle and fat volume without cutting people open, so attributing weight gain to the addition of either muscle or fat is completely pointless. 

*Weight and mass are used interchangeably in the English language, but it should be noted that weight is a vector force, while mass is a scalar quantity.  More at Wikipedia. 

**This issue is further complicated by the idea put forth in weightlifting magazines and nutritional foods of "muscle mass," which refers to the size (volume) of muscles (e.g. "massive muscles"), when the term should really be "muscle volume." 

***A practical example:  If your overall weight stays constant but you increase your mass of muscle, your overall volume will decrease (i.e. you'll look thinner). #health
Unusual deaths Oct 3, 2008
Wikipedia has an excellent list of unusual deaths.  Too many to quote. #health
Up your nose (3) Jul 8, 2008
Babyzone, a website I frequent (kidding!), published a list of 10 things kids stick up their noses most often.  Not necessarily in order of frequency: 
  1. Crayons
  2. Beads
  3. French Fries
  4. Fingers
  5. Marbles
  6. Spaghetti
  7. Tissue
  8. Cheerios
  9. Small Toys
  10. Beans and Peas
A few of these are pretty personal for me, including beads and marbles.  I would even add a new one to the list:  M&Ms.  But spaghetti?  That's new.  I guess if the shoe fits, wear it.  Or more appropriately, if the object fits in your nose, put it up there.  You only live once, right? 

Common extraction techniques include holding the clear nostril while blowing through the clogged one.  In extreme cases, you can use some sort of suction device or go to an ear, nose, and throat doctor.  The article recommends to talk to your little one and reassure them that everything will be ok.  But nothing can calm that overwhelming fear that comes over you after you fail to get the object out on the first try and think, "I was just seeing if it would fit.  Now I have to live the rest of my life with a foreign object lodged in my nostril." #health
Sunburn's revenge Jun 13, 2008
Sunburn hurts by burning your flesh like a toaster.  And of course it never toasts you evenly, so you have to walk around looking like a freak for a few days.  Then after those few days, you're resigned to itching yourself like a dog with fleas.  And just when you think it's all over, you peel like a leper.  Sunburn always wins. #health