There's a baby toy called the Fisher Price Clutch N Shake Turtle Toy.  From what I know about babies, this directly satisfies two main baby requirements:  (1) Can I grab it and squeeze it to death? and (2) Can I shake it to death?  I'm pretty sure the perfect baby toy would include these two attributes plus a third one:  (3) Can I put it in my mouth and gum it to death?  As you can see, I believe babies are out to kill us. #products