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I hate birds Thu, Mar 25, 2010
I walked out to my car for lunch the other day, unlocked the door, got in, and looked up to find my windshield *covered* in bird poop.  I've parked in that exact same spot before, but apparently this was the day that every bird on earth sat on the light post above my parking spot, turned their feathered butts in the direction of my car and explosively let loose.  I just couldn't believe how much poop was on my windshield.  Just unfathomable.  Gallons of poop.  This is why I hate birds. 

Some birds are cool.  This past weekend I saw a beautiful blue jay fly across my yard, then I watched with interest as a red-headed woodpecker pecked away at a tree.  I'm a fan of hummingbirds and pelicans and even pigeons sometimes.  I don't hate specific birds.  I hate birds in general.  And here's why: 
  1. Birds poop
    1. on me
    2. on my car
  2. Birds make noise
  3. Birds poop and make noise
And that pretty much sums it up.  My neighbors used to have some sort of parrot as a pet, and all it did all damn day was scream like it was being held against its will (which it was), which is fine, except that a bird "scream" is different than a bird "song."  And one of my friends in high school had a little parakeet as a pet, and it was the dirtiest, most disgusting animal I've ever encountered. 

I know birds are useful animals and some people follow them around with binoculars because they're rare or awesome or something.  I'm not saying we should kill all birds.  I'm just saying I hate them.  Mostly because they pooped on my car. 

Update:  Here's a related Brevity comic. #nature


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