90% Of Waking Hours Spent Staring At Glowing Rectangles

At work, special information rectangles help men and women silently complete any number of business-related tasks, while entertainment rectangles--larger and louder and often placed inside the home--allow Americans to enter a relaxing trance-like state after a long day of rectangle-gazing.

According to researchers, these rectangles help to notify citizens about which brand of domestic detergent to buy, what direction to drive their vehicles in, and how many more seconds a food item must remain inside its revolving radiation chamber before it can be hurriedly consumed.