I know a woman whose husband passed away one year ago, and she just recently started dating (sorry if anyone reading this knows who I'm talking about or is in any way related to the persons mentioned; no offense is meant to anyone living or deceased).  This begs the question:  How soon is too soon?  How soon after your spouse dies are you justified in re-entering the dating world?  It's a tough question, but I have a pretty simple answer:  At least two years. 

My answer is based on two things:  (1) The mourning period, and (2) respect.  The period of time after something is lost varies greatly depending on what was lost.  For a dead fish, the mourning period might be a few days.  For a broken relationship in high school, it might be a few weeks.  For a dead dog, it might be a few months.  For a deceased relative or friend, it could be several years, or maybe forever.  The bottom line is that the proper amount of time to mourn a deceased spouse is definitely greater than one year.  Mourning doesn't necessarily mean sitting around on your couch crying over pictures and memories.  Mourning is different for different people and different losses.  But I think it's safe to say the proper way to mourn the loss of a spouse is by not entering into another relationship. 

That idea borders on the second part:  Respect.  In any romantic/dating relationship, there's a certain amount of time after the relationship ends when no new dating/romantic relationships should be formed.  It's a cooling off period.  A "find yourself and what you want" time.  If you jump back in too soon, you run the risk of your new relationship being called a "rebound".  And when you rebound, you're not only entering a new relationship at a bad time, you're essentially saying, "I'm over that person."  I think it's safe to say the proper amount of time to wait after a 20- or 30-year marriage ends before you start dating is greater than one year. 

When I put myself in the situation, I put myself in place of the deceased (Why is that?  Is there something wrong with me?).  If I got the chance to tell Wendy something on my death bed, I'd laughingly say I hope she never dates again, then I'd say I hope she shows me the respect of waiting at least two years.  After that, do whatever the heck you want.  I'm dead.  What am I gonna do about it?  But for those two or so years after my death, show me a little respect by mourning me and remembering our relationship.  After that, move on. 

To be fair, there are definitely exceptions.  For a relationship that was on the rocks and doomed for some time, the recovery period can be really short.  That's because it was over before it was over.  Similarly, if one or both of the people were chronically sick for an extended period of time before they died, I could see how it might feel like the relationship had been over for a while.  But that goes back to my second point.  You gotta show respect, even if you don't feel like it. 

There's a whole other aspect to this:  The idea that the right person happened to come into the picture at a not-so-great time.  In other words, even though you weren't ready to date, you happened to meet someone, and we all know people can't control their feelings.  I'll come down harder on that excuse than any other:  That's total BS.  You're right:  You can't control your feelings.  But you can control what you do about them.  If everyone just went around doing whatever they felt like, we'd all be a bunch of murderous, adulterous, druggies.  Instead, we learn to control our impulses and desires, even if that means waiting for the right time. 

As I said at the beginning, my apologies to the family and friends of the people I'm talking about.  I don't think this woman is a horrible person, and I wouldn't call her a disrespectful jerk if I met her.  I just have a different view on the topic.  And although I think it should be universal, I'll accept the fact that it's not. #lifestyle