Feb 14, 2008
I know a woman whose husband passed away one year ago, and she just recently started dating (sorry if anyone reading this knows who I'm talking about or is in any way related to the persons mentioned; no offense is meant to anyone living or deceased). This begs the question: How soon is too soon? How soon after your spouse dies are you justified in re-entering the dating world? It's a tough question, but I have a pretty simple answer: At least two years.
My answer is based on two things: (1) The mourning period, and (2) respect. The period of time after something is lost varies greatly depending on what was lost. For a dead fish, the mourning period might be a few days. For a broken relationship in high school, it might be a few weeks. For a dead dog, it might be a few months. For a deceased relative or friend, it could be several years, or maybe forever. The bottom line is that the proper amount of time to mourn a deceased spouse is definitely greater than one year. Mourning doesn't necessarily mean sitting around on your couch crying over pictures and memories. Mourning is different for different people and different losses. But I think it's safe to say the proper way to mourn the loss of a spouse is by not entering into another relationship.
That idea borders on the second part: Respect. In any romantic/dating relationship, there's a certain amount of time after the relationship ends when no new dating/romantic relationships should be formed. It's a cooling off period. A "find yourself and what you want" time. If you jump back in too soon, you run the risk of your new relationship being called a "rebound". And when you rebound, you're not only entering a new relationship at a bad time, you're essentially saying, "I'm over that person." I think it's safe to say the proper amount of time to wait after a 20- or 30-year marriage ends before you start dating is greater than one year.
When I put myself in the situation, I put myself in place of the deceased (Why is that? Is there something wrong with me?). If I got the chance to tell Wendy something on my death bed, I'd laughingly say I hope she never dates again, then I'd say I hope she shows me the respect of waiting at least two years. After that, do whatever the heck you want. I'm dead. What am I gonna do about it? But for those two or so years after my death, show me a little respect by mourning me and remembering our relationship. After that, move on.
To be fair, there are definitely exceptions. For a relationship that was on the rocks and doomed for some time, the recovery period can be really short. That's because it was over before it was over. Similarly, if one or both of the people were chronically sick for an extended period of time before they died, I could see how it might feel like the relationship had been over for a while. But that goes back to my second point. You gotta show respect, even if you don't feel like it.
There's a whole other aspect to this: The idea that the right person happened to come into the picture at a not-so-great time. In other words, even though you weren't ready to date, you happened to meet someone, and we all know people can't control their feelings. I'll come down harder on that excuse than any other: That's total BS. You're right: You can't control your feelings. But you can control what you do about them. If everyone just went around doing whatever they felt like, we'd all be a bunch of murderous, adulterous, druggies. Instead, we learn to control our impulses and desires, even if that means waiting for the right time.
As I said at the beginning, my apologies to the family and friends of the people I'm talking about. I don't think this woman is a horrible person, and I wouldn't call her a disrespectful jerk if I met her. I just have a different view on the topic. And although I think it should be universal, I'll accept the fact that it's not. #lifestyle
My answer is based on two things: (1) The mourning period, and (2) respect. The period of time after something is lost varies greatly depending on what was lost. For a dead fish, the mourning period might be a few days. For a broken relationship in high school, it might be a few weeks. For a dead dog, it might be a few months. For a deceased relative or friend, it could be several years, or maybe forever. The bottom line is that the proper amount of time to mourn a deceased spouse is definitely greater than one year. Mourning doesn't necessarily mean sitting around on your couch crying over pictures and memories. Mourning is different for different people and different losses. But I think it's safe to say the proper way to mourn the loss of a spouse is by not entering into another relationship.
That idea borders on the second part: Respect. In any romantic/dating relationship, there's a certain amount of time after the relationship ends when no new dating/romantic relationships should be formed. It's a cooling off period. A "find yourself and what you want" time. If you jump back in too soon, you run the risk of your new relationship being called a "rebound". And when you rebound, you're not only entering a new relationship at a bad time, you're essentially saying, "I'm over that person." I think it's safe to say the proper amount of time to wait after a 20- or 30-year marriage ends before you start dating is greater than one year.
When I put myself in the situation, I put myself in place of the deceased (Why is that? Is there something wrong with me?). If I got the chance to tell Wendy something on my death bed, I'd laughingly say I hope she never dates again, then I'd say I hope she shows me the respect of waiting at least two years. After that, do whatever the heck you want. I'm dead. What am I gonna do about it? But for those two or so years after my death, show me a little respect by mourning me and remembering our relationship. After that, move on.
To be fair, there are definitely exceptions. For a relationship that was on the rocks and doomed for some time, the recovery period can be really short. That's because it was over before it was over. Similarly, if one or both of the people were chronically sick for an extended period of time before they died, I could see how it might feel like the relationship had been over for a while. But that goes back to my second point. You gotta show respect, even if you don't feel like it.
There's a whole other aspect to this: The idea that the right person happened to come into the picture at a not-so-great time. In other words, even though you weren't ready to date, you happened to meet someone, and we all know people can't control their feelings. I'll come down harder on that excuse than any other: That's total BS. You're right: You can't control your feelings. But you can control what you do about them. If everyone just went around doing whatever they felt like, we'd all be a bunch of murderous, adulterous, druggies. Instead, we learn to control our impulses and desires, even if that means waiting for the right time.
As I said at the beginning, my apologies to the family and friends of the people I'm talking about. I don't think this woman is a horrible person, and I wouldn't call her a disrespectful jerk if I met her. I just have a different view on the topic. And although I think it should be universal, I'll accept the fact that it's not. #lifestyle
Linked: Writing these things
It seems odd to be able to put a time limit...a formula if you will...on grief. whether your own or someone else's. To say someone SHOULD wait @ least 2yrs not only boxes what God may or may not want to do, but for those who may need MORE time...well, I have heard from people & read blog posts from those who have lost very close loved-ones who felt pressure to be "over it" (more or less) after the first year..only to find 5 years later the slightest thing can crush them. A formula creates pressure for those on both sides of the spectrum.
2) The idea of taking the "side" of the deceased also seemed a bit strange (assuming faith in christ anyway). According to Jesus (Mat. 22:30), the dead folks won't care. Whether 2 seconds or 2 years, they'll be dead. They'll either be in heaven doing whatever it is we do in heaven (being engulfed & preoccupied w/God right?)...doubtful we'll be "looking down from the clouds" with hurt feelings. On the other side of the coin, if not in heaven, then separated from God completely & thus in agony over that. Seems like a slight from a former spouse on earth would be like a paper cut in comparison.
So I think the risk is in offending the living. Risking others thinking you did not care deeply for the lost spouse. However, everyone has some sort of formula in thier mind (unfortunately i do too...it's a year..but i hope I would be able to extend grace/mercy if faced w/the situation)...so someone will always be offended. If there's children there may never be "enough time" for their mother/father to be released to move on...deep down...
and lastly, if she's young & particularly if she has no children, it is actually commendable by scripture that she remarry. One of the benefits of marriage is that it is designed to make it EASIER to remain sexually pure. Sounds crass, but part of the purpose is to protect you from sexual impurity. 1Tim 5:14, 1Corin.7:36
like i said, no idea on her exact situation, so i'm speculating from a christian perspective.
I know, your blog, your opinion. but..well...my comment, my opinion, lol.
It reminds me of the message at Liquid Church. It's based on Eph 5:33 "However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." Pastor Tim talks about how women are ultimately looking for love (unconditional acceptance) and men are looking for respect. Guess you fit that mold :)
For those of you who don't know, you can watch it online or download the podcast: http://liquidchurch.com/pages/page.asp?page_id=30226
It is interesting to see how things have losened up. For example, if you look at from Polite Life and Etiquette or What is Right and The Social Arts, written by Georgene Corry Benham, published by Chicago : Louis Benham & Company, 1891. , you can read about a mourning period which people stay in before re entering society. It states a widow's mourning should last 18 months and even describes what she is to wear! (link)
I just wore black for a week straight to work after my grandmothers sister died out of respect. FYI - No one even noticed.
I wasnt kidding though. I really don't like the lack of etiquitte and respect (for others and ones self) in society today. I think it was much better a long time ago (perhaps not the 117 years ago that the book I mentioned was written - but even in my grandmothers generation)
And regarding the comment about anyone noticing my wearing black - it wasn't referring to someone noticing what I was practicing, it was referring to the fact that since it is such an uncommon practice nowadays, it didnot even register with anyone what it could even possible symbolize. (unless it did and they didnt say anything)
I studied communication in college & gender comm. has been quite an interest for me ever since, so when i read Wendy's comment i def. had a "duh" moment. very astute observation indeed.