Engrish Nov 17, 2005
Engrish.com is a collection of "humorous English mistakes that appear in Japanese advertising and product design."  I found one of these one time.

#language
Marriage DNE kids Nov 17, 2005
DNE is math terminology for Does Not Equal.  Actually, it really means Does Not Exist, but that doesn't apply to my statement.  Marriage ≠ kids.  Or marriage != kids.  Nya!  [Pushes up taped glasses] [Surrenders lunch money upon request]

My least favorite thing about being married is that everyone assumes that marriage equals kids.  I feel quite a bit of pressure concerning this.  When you're dating, no one asks, "So are you thinking about kids?"  There's still that unwritten taboo that having kids out of wedlock is somehow wrong.  But as soon as you're married, that's all anybody talks about.  "Any buns in the oven?"  No.  I just graduated college.  I just spent 80% of my life in school.  I've had no time to be myself.  Now you expect me to care for another human being?  A human being that can't control its bowel movements?  And I just got married.  Can't I have a little time to enjoy being a young married person?  With no kids?  I understand the argument that kids come from marriage.  That makes sense.  But give me some time.  C'mon.  I'll have kids as soon as I grow up. #math
Movie ticket prices (2) Nov 16, 2005
Remember when going to a movie used to cost $3?  Way back in 1962?  Actually, it was in 1995.  That was 10 years ago.  Since then, prices have increased to about 300% of the 1995 price.  And that $3 movie wasn't at some backwoods hick shack.  It was at the mall.  Now that same mall has gone from having two movie theaters to having no movie theaters. 

Why do movies cost more now?  Are they better than they used to be?  Nah.  Are they more expensive to make?  Yes.  Don't all those commercials at the beginning help at all?  Apparently not. 

So what's the real reason they're move expensive?  Food.  How many times have you gone into a movie theater with candy in your pocket?  That's every time for me.  So instead of paying $15 for food and $6 for a couple tickets, we're paying $18 for a couple tickets with no food.  Apparently this says we're actually doing better than we were.  But I don't think I agree with my argument. 

It's not that movies cost more, it's that movie theaters cost more.  You can buy DVDs for about $15-$20.  You can watch them a million times.  But watching a single movie a single time will cost you about $10.  That's because big dumb theaters need to pay for big dumb seats and big dumb speakers and big dumb teenagers to sell overpriced food. #entertainment
Fall colors Nov 16, 2005
Fall colors in New Jersey.

#nature
Heat lamp (4) Nov 15, 2005
Why is there a heat lamp in hotel bathrooms?  One website said it's to warm up the bathroom before taking a shower.  Why?  Doesn't the hot water from the shower eventually warm the room?  Does anyone actually use these things?  Maybe I'm low-tech, but I've never even considered warming up the bathroom before I took a shower.  My parents definitely didn't have one of these things in their circa 1800s house. 

Wikipedia says a heat lamp is for "animal husbandry".  Hmm.  I don't follow. 

Oh I get it.  Gross. #entertainment
Tip for managers Nov 15, 2005
Don't show up late to a meeting that you organized. #business
Google no longer hates me Nov 15, 2005
It's official.  Google no longer hates me.  When I search for my name, my website comes up as the first result.  Maybe Mr. Google listened to my plea.  Maybe he said, "You know what, Dave?  You're right.  We've been ignoring you for so long.  And it's our fault.  It's us, not you.  We just got caught up with being so busy and we felt like we didn't have time for the little man.  But you're right.  We need to pay attention to you, and to every little man.  You are the internet!  Hoorah!" 

Or maybe it's because I put my name in the title of every single page on my site, all 300 some pages. #technology
Maps Nov 15, 2005
I've been using Google Maps for my mapping software almost exclusively lately.  Although it isn't all that accurate (just last night I ended up several miles from where I needed to be), it's smarter and has a much nicer user interface.  Oh yeah, and there are no stupid ads. 

It's smarter because of how it handles what I type in.  Here's a little comparison:

Mapping site

State road

County road

Yahoo

US Highway xxx

County Road xxx

Mapquest

US Highway xxx

County Road xxx

Google

anything

anything
For example, if I search for "435 Route 206, Newton, NJ" on Yahoo Maps or Mapquest, it gives me an error.  It doesn't even give me a suggestion.  When I search for the same thing on Google Maps, it finds exactly what I'm looking for, no questions asked.  Google sees two numbers and knows you mean #x on street #y.  That's smart. #technology
Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies Nov 14, 2005

I can't believe how much I love Little Debbie Oatmeal Creme Pies.  They're always an impulse buy.  How can you say no to $1.19 for 12 bundles of goodness?  I keep a stash at work and get such a rush from eating them, I'm surprised I'm still alive. #food
Ticket (1) Nov 14, 2005
So I got a couple tickets a few weeks ago.  So what? 

The cop said he could give me two tickets for speeding in two different zones.  That sounds made up.  Couldn't he have followed me the whole time I was speeding and given me a ticket for every second I was over the speed limit?  Then he could've given me like 600 tickets.  That sounds like the penalty definitely fits the crime.  And that wonderful cop would've really earned his pay.  High-fives from his police buddies.  "600 tickets.  That's awesome.  I wish I was you."  Anyway, instead of giving me two tickets for two different speeding infractions, he gave me one ticket under the title "Careless driving".  He said he was doing me a favor.  Isn't that nice?  He tried to make me hate him less by only giving me one ticket instead of two.  Wow.  Thanks a lot buddy.  You really made my day.  But then he said I ran a red light.  I'm usually pretty observant when I'm driving.  I don't remember running a red light.  But he said I did.  How can I fight that?  He's a cop, the smartest, most awesome race of humans that has ever existed.  But again, since he was a nice guy, he gave me a ticket under the title "Unclear plates" because it has no points associated with it.  I thought about removing the thing around my license plate, but I decided to keep it so it can get me out of more tickets. 

The cop said this funny and interesting thing:  "I got you for speeding back in Landing and I just caught up with you here in Ledgewood."  That's about a 5-mile difference, most of which is on 4-lane 50-mph roads.  I drive a 4-cylinder Toyota Camry.  It's a great car, but it's obviously no V-8 Police Interceptor.  For this idiot to take 5 miles to catch up to a "speeding" Japanese import says a lot about his ability as a patroller of our roads. 

Forget the fact that I got charged a late fee for each ticket because I didn't pay them on time because I was traveling for two weeks.  Not a big deal; I have money out the yin yang.  As I'm looking at the ticket, I see this:  "To make payment via the Internet or for more information, log on to:  www.njmcdirect.com".  Isn't that awesome?  Not only can I pay my ticket online, but I can get credit card reward points for doing it.  Cha-ching!

The best part about this ordeal is that the roads are now safer because I'm paying more money for car insurance.  God bless America. #travel