Green Onion Apr 21, 2009
I like The Onion's advice for making your house a little greener: 
Hot water heater:  Go off the grid by making your own clean-burning natural gas.  Simply collect organic material, superheat it, and compress it over several million years.
If The Onion had a customer complaints department, I would work there. #science
Swimming bat Apr 21, 2009
Wendy and I went for a little hike on Saturday in Palisades Interstate Park, a thin strip of rocky land between the busy Palisades Parkway and the Hudson River in northeast New Jersey.  Contrary to popular belief, the Hudson River does in fact support animal life, and the fish don't have three eyes.  We even saw an animal swim by that was either an otter or a beaver, and though it was hard to tell which animal is actually was, it certainly wasn't a seal as some of the local cityfolk claimed. 

As we were walking along a path a few feet from the water, I noticed something swimming toward us.  It was about the size of a leaf, but because of its motion, I could tell it was alive.  It looked like a butterfly, which seemed a little odd, since butterflies typically stick to flying.  I alerted Wendy to the presence of this strange animal, and we both watched it reach the rocky shore, tumble around a few times in the gentle waves, then finally cling to a rock and climb up to safety. 



That's when we figured out what it was:  A bat!  This was a strange sight for at least two reasons:  (1) It was the middle of the day and bats tend to be night animals, and (2) it was friggin swimming!  And for a non-swimming animal, it was a pretty good swimmer.  Apparently bats have been known to swim, though it's obviously not one of their core competencies.  Also, bats and other nocturnal animals have been known to come out during the day, whether in search of food or because their nest was disturbed, so it doesn't necessarily mean our swimming bat friend had rabies.  However, the Center for Disease Control says, "...any bat that is active by day, is found in a place where bats are not usually seen ... or is unable to fly, is far more likely than others to be rabid."  So in hindsight, we should've ran away.  But we didn't. 



The thing is, bats are mammals, so they're kind of cute.  They're covered with fur and have ears and little faces.  This particular bat shook water off his head, just like a dog or cat would.  And it was cool watching his little wing claws grab onto the rock and hold on for dear life.  After I took a few pictures, I backed away, and sure enough, the bat just took off peacefully into the air, as if he hadn't just traversed the Hudson River on a warm Saturday afternoon.  More than likely, he flew back over to Gotham City and resumed his slumber in the basement of Wayne Enterprises. #nature