There's a commercial for DirecTV that comes on mostly during football games, featuring the singer Beyonce performing a wonderful rendition of a song called "Let Me Upgrade You," where the main idea is that by upgrading to DirecTV, you can have the privilege of holding large pieces of gold jewelry in your mouth while simultaneously lounging on piles of money.  But I'm a purist; I'll never receive my cable from a magical spaceship in the sky.  So instead of allowing Beyonce to upgrade me, here are some alternatives I'd be willing to discuss: 
  1. Let me force-feed you raw oysters stuffed with jalapenos.
  2. Let me punch you repeatedly in the kidneys.
  3. Let me push you off a cliff where you'll be impaled on sharp rocks.
  4. Let me give you a root canal without an anesthetic.
  5. Let me chase you on Route 80 with my Hummer.
  6. Let me wax your arms and legs ... with duct tape.
  7. Let me play my music for you.
(If it's not clear, I'll never be a customer of DirecTV, simply because of this commercial.) #entertainment