Hyphenated last names
10 Comments

Parents who give their kids hyphenated last names might as well just admit they're a couple of jerks.  What better way to screw up your child's life than by giving them a hyphenated and complicated last name that will cause them problems and give them grief for the rest of their life.  That poor child will develop carpel tunnel syndrome from signing their excessively long name.  Their computer login name will be completely screwed up.  Their passport will likely have significant problems being processed.  College applications, loans, job applications, and anything that requires a child to identify their parents will inevitably lead to phone calls asking, "So Bob Smith, are you the father of John Smith-Jones?"  It'd be nice if we lived a world where computer systems weren't set up with logic like this:  

if (child_lastname != parent_lastname) {
     epic_fail();
}

But alas, it is what it is.  It's interesting that parents who "hyphenize" their children happen to have long and complicated last names to begin with.  You don't hear about a Smith-Jones.  I've heard of a Jones-Drew, but he's a professional football player, so it doesn't count (plus he chose to hyphenate his name in honor of his father).  The three hyphenated names I can think of who I've either known personally or am separated by no more than two degrees of Kevin Bacon are:  Lichtenberg-Scanlan, Dewey-Mattia, and Ersner-Hershfield.  What a bunch of selfish, jerky parents. 

To be fair, I realize it's a serious sacrifice for a woman to give up her last name when she gets married.  I personally wouldn't want to do it, even though a name change wouldn't be entirely bad.  I periodically thank Wendy for kindly taking my last name.  It's almost like losing your identity.  If parents don't have any male children, their last name will pretty much end.  That's sad. 

But I think there are better ways of keeping a maiden name in the mix than by hyphenating a child's last name.  You could go for the middle name.  You could come up with some other idea because that's the only one I can think of.  But whatever it is, don't punish children by giving them a hyphenated last name.  What a travesty. 

 Wednesday
Feb 6, 2008
1:10 pm
Rus:

For fun, perhaps we could just create a "portmanteau" of the two surnames.  (And yes, I had to look up what that was).  Sort of like brunch or spork.  Maybe LitchenScan, DewMat or Hersnerfield.  I guess my last name would be Hardocci or Bonardin.

 Wednesday
Feb 6, 2008
2:19 pm
Emily:

My middle name is my mother's maiden name. It was still a little odd having essentially two last names, but at this point I've gotten past that. I would definitely recommend it over hyphenating if someone was trying to keep their name in the mix.

 Wednesday
Feb 6, 2008
4:18 pm
Jeff:

I've always wondered what happens when 2 people with hyphenated last names get married? Do they then become Joe "Lichtenberg-Scanlan-Dewey-Mattia" Might be a better law firm than last name.

 Tuesday
Feb 12, 2008
1:18 pm
Dave:

I think in that case, both parties should agree to end the relationship before it even starts.  It's the same as if the guy's last name was the same as the girl's first name, as in the case of my friend Kelly Kelly.  True story.

 Tuesday
Feb 12, 2008
4:51 pm
Wendy:

Rus - I LOVE portmanteaus! It all started in college with my best friend and I (Michelle + Wendy = Mindy) and now I can't stop myself
Dave + Wendy = Wave
Carl + Emily = Carmily
Juan + Bonnie (previously) = Juannie
Yinka + Jen = Yen
Rus + Tina = Rina or Tus, I prefer Rina. It has a better ring to it

 Wednesday
Feb 13, 2008
3:18 pm
Britt:

You know, actually it's not really a big deal at all.  Occasionally someone files me in the M's rather than the G's and we have to spend an extra two minutes figuring it out, but that's about it.  I cannot actually think of a single major snafu and very few minor ones.  Sorry to  burst your bubble.

(I could go into my brilliant plan of what to do when people with hyphenated names get married and have kids of their own, but since I'm three months late to the party I'll refrain.  Unless someone *really* wants to know...)

 Friday
May 9, 2008
12:01 am
Dave:

I really want to know.  You actually have a hyphenated last name, so this could be enlightening.

 Friday
May 9, 2008
8:42 am
Rus:

My work productivity will be next to nothing until I know.  I'm on the edge of my seat.

 Friday
May 9, 2008
8:49 am
Britt:

I'm so glad you asked! 

So I think it's actually quite simple:  you have Jane HerMaternalName-HerPaternalName and John HisMaternalName-HisPaternalName.  Basically the women pass down the name from their maternal line, and the men from their paternal line: so, Baby HerMaternalName-HisPaternalName (in either order, whatever sounds best, the order isn't the point.)  If one person isn't hyphenated they just pass on their only last name (HerMaternalName-HisName.)  The male name will keep on going as long as there are boys in the family (same as before), and the female name will keep on going as long as there are girls in the family (which is new, but really good, I think.)  Did I explain that clearly enough?

I think this is relatively simple, perfectly fair to both sexes, and you never have more than two last names.  The only problem I can see with this would be if you're the child of same-sex parents (ie Jane HerFirstMom'sName-HerSecondMom'sName) and you're trying to decide which of your two names to pass down, but then I guess you'd either have to just pick one or make a portmanteau out of them.

Disclaimer:  Although I fully intend to do this myself (future spouse willing), and try to tell people about it at every opportunity in hopes it takes off, I have never actually seen it done.  And I haven't even convinced my own sister, who thinks that if I pass down our maternal (Gordon) name then she should pass down the paternal (McKeon) name so that they both continue.  I tell her that we are starting a bold new naming convention that will change the world for centuries to come, but it doesn't seem to be working.  But you know, even if folks don't follow my advice, it's still pretty straightforward to realize that no kid should have more than two last names so each spouse only gets to pass down one, and if someone has two it's up to them to figure out how to do it (pick one at random? portmanteau? the one that sounds better? your favorite parent/side of the family? or my maternal/paternal line thing?)

Anyway, my point is, I think that neither "Oh, it'll be so hard for the poor kid to have a hyphenated name" or "This is not a sustainable naming system to pass down through the generations" is a good argument against hyphenation.  But you can probably tell I'm a little passionate about this.

 Friday
May 9, 2008
11:21 am
Dave:

Very interesting!  But I hate to point out the first argument that comes to mind:  You're neglecting the paternal name of the hyphenated woman and the maternal name of the hyphenated man.  But hey, marriage is about compromise.  And giving up part of your identity.  And your freedom.  (kidding) 

It's good to hear people with hyphenated last names at least think about this stuff.  I asked this hyphenated guy at work what's gonna happen when he gets married next year, and he said he hadn't really thought about it.  Well start thinking, buddy! 

I'm glad you shared your passionate thoughts about hyphenation with us.

 Friday
May 9, 2008
11:33 am
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