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Soft-serve (4) Mon, Mar 12, 2007
On the two cruises I've been on, there's been a soft-serve ice cream machine.  There are cones in a container on the side, and the machine has three spouts:  One for vanilla, one for chocolate, and one for vanilla chocolate swirl.  I'm not usually one to brag, but I have to say I'm probably the best amateur soft-serve ice cream cone maker in the world.  I watch people stand there, pull the handle, and move their cone all around in an attempt to capture the falling ice cream.  What a bunch of idiots.  Most people don't even have sense enough to know that the machine will run indefinitely unless the handle is pushed back up.  It's pitiful.  And looking at long strands of tube-shaped ice cream really disgusts me.  I don't know if it's because it so closely resembles bird poop or what.  Something about it just really makes me want to puke.  But then I step up to the plate and create the most beautiful ice cream cone anyone's ever seen.  It almost brings a tear to your eye.  You have to hold the cone right under the machine and sort of force the ice cream right into the cone.  It's like putting toothpaste back into the tube (which is impossible):  You don't just haphazardly put some toothpaste near the tube opening and hope it magically goes in.  You squeeze the tube a little and use the suction to suck in the toothpaste.  It's the same with ice cream, except you can't really squeeze the cone.  You just need to hold it tight and let the flowing ice cream squeeze itself into the cone.  As the cone fills up, it creates a beautiful mound.  Don't overdo it or else you'll have a top-heavy cone and you'll have to eat it as fast as you can before it melts and then lick it off your fingers like an idiot.  Don't be an idiot.  Use the soft-serve ice cream machine properly. #food

Comments:
Wendy Mon, Mar 12, 2007
this is why you always make my cones...

Dave Mon, Mar 12, 2007
I'd make cones for everybody, but then I guess they'd want to put me on the payroll.  I'm that good.

Rus Sat, Aug 30, 2008
Dave,  It's been a year and a half since you posted this, but I will say I'm likely a close second in softiserve-cone-filling skills.  It is indeed sad to see people attempt this in the swirl method when allowing it to fill in the middle and then mound up provides a lower center of gravity as well.  The swirl method is a scam perpetuated by the ice cream industry trying to limit the amount of cream one actually gets when they order a cone.  The swirl method leaves a big air gap in the middle, consequently giving you less volume.  It's also important to note that the IC industry has also conspired to make most containers smaller while increasing prices.  "Half gallon" containers have shrunk from 2 quarts to 1.75 and now to 1.5.  Its an outrage!

Dave Sat, Aug 30, 2008
Big Ice Cream is out to get you. 

But on a serious note, the idea of a "grocery shrink ray" (i.e. charging the same price for smaller containers) is well documented on the internets.


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